A is for Always
by Natalie Elizabeth
Summary: "I need space." It wasn't the first time Castle had heard those words, but it would be the last. Beckett may want space but that was one thing he wasn't going to give her. He was going to fight, either for her, or against her.! Set during Rise
1. Chapter 1

**It always bothered me that Castle never went after Beckett when she hid out in her father's cabin for three months. Especially after what happened with Kyra. So instead of writing another post always fic (I have written three just so you know) I decided to write a mid "Rise" fic.**

**Thanks as always to LittleLizzieZentara. Not only for editing this, not an easy task I can assure you, but for being my sounding board.**

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

Sitting in his darkened study, Richard Castle brought a glass to his lips and drank deeply. As the amber liquid slid down his throat he rejoiced in the fact that he didn't feel the burn. He didn't feel anything. Slamming the empty glass down, he reached for the bottle and haphazardly sloshed more alcohol into his glass.

It had been a month. A whole damn month since he had heard from the righteous Kate Beckett. She hadn't even had the decency to call. She texted him. After all they had been through and she sends a damn text!

_Getting discharged today. Going to Dad's cabin to recover._

That was it. No "Hi Castle how's it going." No "I'm recovering ok. Thanks for saving me." Nothing! Just a 'this is where I was, this is where I will be.'

Since when did her dad own a cabin anyway? He had replied back of course. Practically sent her a novella telling her if she needed anything all she had to do was contact him. She hadn't. Silence. Not even to reply thanks.

After two weeks of working her case with Ryan and Esposito only to come up with nothing, he left the precinct. Why should he care if she lived or died? She obviously didn't care about him. Lanie had texted him twice letting him know Kate was in fact alive. It turned out she only got that information because she had contacted Kate's father. Kate hadn't called anyone. He should find some solace in that but he didn't. Kate had abandoned all the people who loved and cared for her.

And dammit even after she lied about what she remembered from the shooting he still loved her. She may be able to fool everyone else into believing she didn't remember anything but he knew better. He knew her better than that. He had seen her hesitate at the hospital when he enquired about what she remembered. She wouldn't even look at him. Instead her eyes had darted down and away.When she had finally looked up at him it was almost as if she was daring him to refute her claim. He hadn't; he had let her get away with it. Josh had just left the room and there would be plenty of time to discuss it later, or so he thought.

Damn her.

Bringing the glass in his hand to his lips, he misjudged the amount he had poured in. He practically threw the entire contents over his face in an attempt to take a drink. Placing the glass down on his desk he swiped at his face with his sleeve.

Oh, he didn't feel good. His stomach rolled and Castle wondered if he was going to be sick.

He stood up and swayed. Drinking was a great way to feel numb, a great way to forget. Or at least that was what he thought. Now, he wasn't so sure. It wasn't the first time he felt like this recently. If he was honest with himself he felt like this most of the time. Feeling sick was better than feeling pain. A pain in his heart that no medication could dull. Alcohol had that power. At least briefly.

Staggering towards his room he decided to go to bed. If he was lucky he would pass out and sleep the next day away. Without having a dream about Kate' instead. As he reached his bed he barely took in the messy state, just pictured himself diving in.

The pounding in his head started up and Castle closed his eyes trying to block it out. It didn't work. When he thought he heard his name Castle turned and walked back into his study. No one else was supposed to be home. His mother had taken her acting group on some spiritual retreat. Alexis had gone to visit her mother and Castle had never in his life been so grateful to Meredith. No way did he want his daughter to see him like this.

Walking further into his home he surveyed the dimly let kitchen area. It was empty and quiet. Shaking his head and then immediately regretting it, Castle turned back to the comfort of his room. He shrugged. He must have been hallucinating. That's what he got when for drinking vodka and then scotch a few hours after. Tomorrow he would lay off the scotch and stick with vodka. When the pounding started again Rick frowned. He hadn't realised it had stopped. It was unusual for it to start and stop. Normally the pounding continued until he fell asleep.

"Rick."

Ok, so he definitely heard his name this time. The pounding wasn't just coming from inside his head; it was coming from the door. Someone was knocking and quite loudly. He tried to move quickly so the pounding would stop but his legs wouldn't cooperate. Walking to the door was like trying to walk on a cruise ship with rough seas. He eventually made it to the door and somehow managed to get it open.

Seeing the person responsible for the noise Castle frowned in confusion. Was he hallucinating again? No wait, he wasn't hallucinating the first time. There had been knocking and this person had been the one doing it. Castle blinked a few times, but no, the person was still standing there. Nausea swept over him and a month's worth of pain erupted out of him.

"So tell me; you're a Beckett. Are you here to rip out my heart and stomp all over it, too?"

Before the person could respond, Richard Castle, master of the macabre, bestselling author and all round good guy, leaned forward and threw up at the feet of one Jim Beckett.

**Authors Note: Ok so a little short but apart from that, what did you think?. The more reviews I see the quicker**** I'll ****get the next chapter up. **

**Yes I am not above using blackmail on all of you.**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: The repousse to this story was unbelievable. Thank you to all who are following this story, I am glad you want more. A big thank you to all who reviewed also. There wasn't much to review on , but you did anyway so thank you.**

**This story would never have come to fruition with out the help and guidance of LittleLizzieZentara. Not only does she pick up all my terrible mistakes, but she gives suggestions on what to change. Not only that but if I have done something great she comments on that fact to. So I can then improve on my work. Thanks Liz, couldn't have done any of this with out you**

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_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 2_

Castle looked down at the liquid contents of his stomach covering the floor of his loft. He had just thrown up. Rick never threw up from drinking. Looking at the shiny black shoes with flecks of vomit marring the surface, Rick shook his head. He had just thrown up on Jim Beckett. Jim Beckett. Father of Kate Beckett. The woman he loved.

Raising his head he stumbled back while attempting to wipe his shame off his face. There was something sobering about being stared down by a father. Castle tried to gain his composure; he had just made a huge fool of himself. How was ever going to live this down?

"Mr Beckett, I'm so..."

Rick's apology was cut off by the other man raising his hand to silence him. Jim them took a large step over the puddle on the ground and closed the door behind him. Castle had been drinking his breakfast, lunch and dinner so the door easily glided over it.

"Alcohol is never the answer Rick; I should know."

Castle nodded and then let out a yelp as he ear was suddenly pinched between Jim Beckett's thumb and finger.

"Where is the shower?" Jim asked sternly.

'Ahh ahh ahh," Castle stammered, the sharp pain of Jim's grip making it difficult to reply to his query. Finally he was able to gasp out, 'That way.'

Castle pointed frantically in the direction of his room as Jim had already started pulling him around the room by his ear. Castle tried to move as quickly as he could, not wanting to have his ear ripped off. It suddenly dawned on him that Kate Beckett, junior Beckett, had probably learned the ear pulling method from her father. Not that Castle actually thought Jim Beckett would have grabbed his daughter by the ear but he imagined the threat was there.

Rick closed his eyes as Jim dragged him through his messy bedroom. Maybe if his eyes were closed Jim wouldn't see the mess, either. If he did the man didn't say anything, just headed towards his Castle bathroom. Jim barely halted to turn to turn the light on before heading towards the glass encased shower. The door swung open and nearly hit Castle in the head because of his crouched state. Jim's grip on his ear loosened but Castle wasn't out of the woods yet. He felt himself being pushed inside the glass cubicle. Before he could turn around icy cold water was running over his body. Letting out a yelp he put his hands up as if that could hold off the waterfall cascading over him.

"Stay in there until you're sober," Jim ordered "Only then can you turn the hot water on and clean yourself up."

Castle heard the door to the shower close as he leant his head on the wall. He had really hit rock bottom. While he had been on his own drinking to forget, to ease the pain, had seemed like a sensible idea. Yet to have someone else see the state he had gotten into made him regret the day he picked up a glass. He had thrown up on Jim Beckett after yelling at him. The man didn't deserve his anger. Jim was a Beckett and a Beckett had crushed his heart, had been his reasoning at the time. He had acted like a drunken fool.

Reaching up Castle grabbed his shampoo and poured a large amount into his hand. Rubbing it over his hair he noticed that the liquid wasn't lathering. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the last time he had a shower. 'He couldn't. The last few days, or more likely weeks, seemed to blur into one long, hellish day.

Turning the water up to a bearable temperature, Castle rinsed his hair before grabbing the shampoo again. This time it did lather and he took time cleaning every single strand. Making a bad impression in front of your beloved's father was a big no-no. The least he could do was to look respectable when he got yelled at for being so stupid.

Hair on his head cleaned Castle then moved on to removing the hair on his face. It had been so long since he let even a day's growth appear on his face. His first case with Beckett he had been sporting what he had thought was a dangerous sexy bad ass beard. That was until he had overheard Beckett tell another cop she hated facial hair. From that day on he made sure he was clean shaven. Even to go as far as shave twice if he came home to grab a quick change of clothes. Maybe that had been the reason why he had let his facial hair grow.

What did it matter? She didn't love him; she didn't care

No, that wasn't right. He had let his grow for one reason and one reason only: he didn't care.

It was if all life ceased to exist without Beckett. How had he gone all his life without knowing her, now he couldn't go a month? As a vision of Beckett floated into his mind his heart began to beat rapidly. The answer was simple: before Beckett came along he never knew what true love really was when it came to somebody who wasn't Kin. He loved her so much his heart was aching at the thought she didn't feel the same for him. As a writer he had used the word heartbroken often enough but he had never understood the true meaning. Until now!

Turning off the shower Castle leant his head against the wall yet again and watched as the last vestiges of water ran down the drain. He felt like that water, his life was going down the drain. Yet where the water had a purpose, a destination, he had none. He was in limbo. Not just a back breaking dance performed after one to many cocktails. Limbo! To stand at the gates of hell not being able to move forward or backwards. He was in limbo and he hated it.

Stepping out of the shower Castle grabbed a towel and dried off. Walking out of the bathroom he dodged trash on the floor and made his way over to wardrobe. What did one wear to their execution? If Kate had learned other things from her father, he was about to get the ass whipping of a lifetime.

Choosing an outfit he wouldn't mind if Lanie had to cut off his lifeless body, Castle slipped on jeans and a basic t shirt. He picked up a pair of shoes and took them back into his room where his socks were. Normally he would forgo shoes if he was just staying home but he didn't want to be barefoot. Especially if he threw up the contents of his stomach again. Fully dressed Castle stood and took a few calming breaths before he walked out of his room to face his destiny.

Jim Beckett was sitting in the now brightly lit kitchen. Two cups of what Castle assumed to be coffee sat before him. The writer nervously approached him. What does one say to the man you just threw up on? Jim looked up at him and Castle was surprised when the man smiled.

"Well you look a lot better. It amazing what regular bathing can do," Jim told him.

Castle nodded, wondering if the man was talking from personal experiences.

"I should go and clean the mess up." Castle pointed over his shoulder where his dignity was lying splattered on the floor.

Jim waved him off. "It's cleaned up already. Sit down and drink your coffee."

Castle did as he was told. Sitting, he grabbed the coffee and took a long drink. The bitter liquid slid down his throat a lot smoother than the alcohol had. It had been too long since he had a coffee. Coffee was their thing. On one particularly drunk night he had attempted to grab his coffee machine and throw it out. Luckily it was too heavy and he was too much of a weakling. Sculling almost half the liquid, he put his cup down and faced the expecting man before him.

"Mr. Beckett, look."

"Hold it there, Rick. First, I think after you have thrown up on me you have earned the right to call me Jim."

Castle gawked at the man before him. He was joking about this!

"Secondly," Jim continued. "I don't want to hear your excuses. I have used them all and I've heard them all."

Castle contemplated the man before him. Jim Beckett was a recovering alcoholic and had been there done that. The older man's words weren't harsh however. It was as if he not so much as accepted what he had done, but understood his reasoning and simply wanted to move on from it.

"So I take it you aren't taking my daughter's absence well," Jim said with a sigh.

Castle put his head down and shook it. Suddenly a smudge on the table was the most fascinating thing in the world. He rubbed at it a few times before finally his resolve broke.

"How could you let her go stay in your cabin in the middle of nowhere? No phone no internet. What if she has a relapse or something? How is she going to get medical attention?"

Jim laughed. "Let her! Rick surly you know my daughter well enough to know if she wants to do something she will do it. No matter what we try and tell her. You can rest easy, though. Yes, the cabin is in the middle of a forest but she is perfectly safe there. If she wasn't I would have told her I sold it to keep her away. She has phone and internet access and there is a doctor up there in case anything happens."

Castle's heart ripped out of his chest and landed on the floor before him, shattering as it hit the ground. There was a doctor with her. Josh! Somewhere in the deep depths of his mind he had hoped the pair had broken up. Okay, so maybe he was delusional enough to think Beckett had broken up with Josh for him. He had been living in this fantasy world for weeks now. If he hadn't then he feared how badly his drinking could have gotten. It was obvious to everyone that there was no love between Josh and Beckett. At least he thought there wasn't any love. The last time he had seen Beckett when she was in the hospital Josh had been with her. Josh had made a quick exit but not before kissing Beckett goodbye.

ON THE HEAD!

Beckett had nearly died, nearly been lost to them forever. Josh himself had worked on her and he says goodbye by kissing her on her head? Sure she had just woken up but surely Dr. Motorcycle Boy could have mustered up a peck on the lips. Although in hindsight Castle was glad he didn't have to witness more than a head kiss.

Castle took a deep breath. "Josh is with her?"

When Jim didn't answer Castle looked up at Beckett's father to see him peering at him. The other man eyes looked confused but his mouth was open in shock.

"She didn't tell you."

Castle shrugged. "Tell me what?"

"She broke it off with him."

Castle froze. Beckett had broken up with him. Beckett had kicked Dr. Motorcycle Boy to the curb. Beckett was a free woman.

"W-w-when…" was all Castle was able stammer out.

Jim shook his head and shrugged. "Maybe a day or two after she woke up. She really didn't tell you?"

Castle shook his head. "No, I haven't spoken to her since that first day. Well, apart from a text to say she was being discharged and going to the cabin."

Castle watched as Jim's face turned to anger. Jim shook his head and ran a hand over his face. The man seemed to be in deep thought for a moment before he looked up at Castle. "Do you have a pen and paper?"

Castle scoffed. What kind of question was that to ask a writer? Of course he had a pen and paper. Castle got up and walked to his utility drawer and pulled out the implements. He handed them over to Jim before sitting back down. Watching as the man continued to shake his head as he wrote, Castle became confused. What was Jim writing down?

"I thought Katie getting away from the city and all the misery it has brought her was a good thing. I thought it would be therapeutic for her. Give her time to heal. It's obvious she is just there hiding."

The man continued to write as he spoke to Castle.

"I came to see you today, Rick, because I have had Kate's friend Lanie call me twice to ask how Kate is. When I realised she hadn't contacted her best friend I wondered who else she hadn't contacted."

Jim then looked up and slid the piece of paper over to Rick.

Castle picked up the paper and frowned. There was an address and directions and even a little map drawn at the bottom.

"What's this?" Castle asked looking down at the paper in his hand.

"Directions to the cabin."

Castle looked at the paper. What he held before him was a scared parchment. It was where Beckett was. It was how to find her. To get answers to the questions he really didn't want to ask for fear of the results.

Castle placed the paper back on the counter and shook his head.

"No, she asked for space. She said she would call me."

Castle held his breath and Jim stared at him. It amazed him how much Beckett was like her father. Trying his best Castle held Jim's gaze before the older man stood up.

"I guess you're not the man I thought you were."

Castle frowned as Jim got up and started to walk towards the door.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Castle snapped as he turned to face Jim's retreating back.

"I thought you, out of anybody, would fight for my daughter."

Castle got up and strode towards the older man who continued to walk towards the door.

"I have been!" Castle said rather angrily. "I have been fighting for her the last three years. I have been fighting against her, with her, for her life and what has it gotten me? Nothing! She wants to be left alone and I am going to respect her wishes for once."

Jim turned to face him and Castle had to force himself not to take a step back. He had faced Beckett's before. Somehow facing Papa Beckett was a lot more terrifying.

"It may be what she wants, but it's not what she needs." Jim told the writer.

Castle scoffed. "Oh really and what does she need?"

Jim smiled at him which had Castle frowning in response. "You."

Castle snorted and shook his head. "No she doesn't."

"What makes you so certain?" Jim inquired

"I told her how I felt and she headed for the hills."

"You told her you loved her?" Jim asked, surprised.

Rick nodded.

"When?"

Castle lowered his head. "The day she was shot. In the cemetery when she lay dying in my arms. I told her how I felt." Castle kept his head low but cast his eyes up to gauge Jim's response. "Kate's father' or 'The other man seemed shocked by this.

"OK," Castle said, throwing his arms up in the air in defeat. "So I know my timing was all wrong and it was a stupid thing to do considering she needed to be thinking about fighting for her life. I still can't figure out why I did it when I did. I guess I just wanted to say it once before she died. To have her hear me say those words to her. Obviously she didn't want to hear them, though. When I spoke to her at the hospital she said she didn't remember the shooting. She then threw me this look as if to say, 'Go on, Castle, challenge me. Challenge a person who has just recovered from being shot in the chest.' So I let it go. I thought we would have more time to talk about it later. We didn't. She didn't ask to see me again and then she went and hid."

Jim shook his head. "You and my daughter make a perfect couple. You're both stupid."

Castle was shocked by Jim's words. Did he just call him stupid? Did he just call his daughter stupid?

"She loves you, Rick," Jim informed the clueless man before him. "I hear it in her voice whenever she calls me. I see it in her face whenever she talks about you. You frustrate her and challenge her the way no one ever has before. She may not want to love you but she can't help it. No man has ever brought out the light in my daughter the way you have. I haven't seen her react this way to any of the men she chosen to introduce me to. Kate is stubborn, she gets that from me. She likes things her way and on her terms and I have let her get away with it for too long. I had hoped you would be the one to shake her out of it."

Castle stared at Jim. Could what this man was saying be true? Did Beckett really love him? He hoped she cared for him and was attracted to him, but love? He had been hoping she would grow to love him' To hear Jim say that his daughter already loved him sent his Castle's mind reeling.

"But how can you want this for your daughter?" Castle then pointed at himself.

Jim peered at him. "What is it exactly you think is so bad about yourself that I would jeopardise my daughters happiness over it?"

Castle laughed. "Oh come on, if Beckett hasn't told you already I am sure you have read it in the papers."

Jim shook his head. "I don't care what my daughter or the papers have to say about you; I want to know what you think."

Castle was surprised. Most people were the other way around. They believed what they read in the papers and didn't care about the truth. He raked his hand through his hair. If this man wanted the truth he had to give it to him.

"I have the reputation as a play boy with two failed marriages and a kid. I have made millions writing sex scenes about your daughter and most recently I have started drinking. That's not exactly the perfect recipe for a future son-in-law, is it?" (

Castle became confused when he saw the man before him smile. Then he became scared when Jim started walking towards him.

"Son-in-law?" Jim smirked.

Castle mouth dropped open. Oh shit! Did he really just say that?

"I..I..I…"

Jim poked him in the chest.

"That's the reason why I think you are perfect for my daughter. You love her and you're not ashamed to show it. The last time I checked you were a mystery writer, Rick, not a romance writer. Yes, I could do without reading sex scenes that were inspired by my daughter, that's for sure. Yet you did make millions writing novels inspired by my daughter. Millions!"

Jim shook his while smiling. "After meeting my daughter and spending a few days with her you decided to create a book based on her. That is incredible, Rick. You saw something in her that few see. You put your reputation on the line by writing Nikki Heat. Yet you did it anyway. You saw something special in my daughter and decided to share it with the world. Not only that, but you wrote how you felt with each word. To anyone else, it's just fiction. To us that know both of you, we know the only thing that is fiction is people believing it's just fiction. Your love for my daughter is real as is hers for you."

Castle shrugged. "Ok so I admit it. I love her."

Jim smiled. "The ease at which you say that is compelling. Not everyone can, not everyone does. I understand you have baggage, Rick, but so do a lot of people. Yes, you have two ex-wives and have dated a bit. All it means is that you haven't given up on love. You tried, it didn't work, you moved on. Again not something a lot of people can do."

Castle shrugged again. The way Jim was putting things made so much sense. He didn't really think of himself as such a bad guy. With Beckett gone depression had sunk in along with self-pity.

"One good thing about your previous marriage is that you have gotten a wonderful daughter out of it. I hope I can get to know her a lot better in the future. I know Kate certainly doesn't see you having a daughter as a bad thing."

Castle smiled. "Yeah, my daughter is pretty awesome. You'd have to be an idiot to think otherwise."

"Speaking of idiots, do you honestly think I would berate you for drinking when I went and did the same thing?"

Castle's happy mood suddenly went south.

"It's hardly the same thing," Castle told him.

"Isn't it?"

Castle shook his head in wonder. "You lost your wife. I am having a pity party because your daughter went away and hasn't called in a month."

Jim shrugged. "A woman with the last name Beckett is gone and it causes us pain. Someone who you see every day is now suddenly not there. It's someone who you care about and love. Someone who you have laughed and cried with. To have them suddenly ripped from your life with no explanation, hurts. Alcohol dulls the pain, even if only for a brief moment. The only difference is, you can do something to get your Beckett woman back and you're just standing there."

Castle stood there gaping at the man before him. Joanna Beckett had been murdered and for so many years it was unknown why. The grief of losing your wife and to some degree daughter had to be the worst possible thing to happen. Yet to Jim, Castle losing Beckett to the forest was on par with that. He understood it was about love and losing hope.

"So I have permission to go after your daughter?"

Jim laughed. "What would my daughter think if she knew you were asking my permission to court her?"

Castle smiled. "Oh, she would probably shoot me." His face suddenly turned serious. "But I want you to be ok with it. I love your daughter. I want to spend the rest of my life fighting for her, loving her. I want you to realise that."

Jim smiled. "I do, that's why I am here. Look, I am going to an AA meeting on Friday. You're more than welcome to join me."

Castle nodded. Yeah, he would like that. He obviously needed help.

"What day is it today?"

Jim tried not to smile. "Wednesday."

Castle nodded. Okay. Wednesday. Good.

"I am guessing by the expired milk in the fridge the days were kind of bleeding into one." Jim asked him knowingly.

Castle looked down embarrassed. "Umm, yeah." When his stomach growled he thought he couldn't get any lower. "It's been awhile since I've been shopping for food. I don't suppose you'd want to get a bite to eat with a fool."

Jim nodded. "Sure, as long as you don't mind getting a bit to eat with an old fool."

Castle smiled. "Maybe we could swap Kate stories."

Jim nodded. "I got a great one about the time..."

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**Authors Note: Grief is grief. It's different for everyone. No one can tell you they know what it's like, what you're going through. They cant, not until they have walked a lifetime in your shoes.**

**Review please. I am pathetic, but I thrive on reviews. it makes me write faster  
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	3. Chapter 3

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_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 3_

Castle looked at the span of tress that stood before him. To the unsuspecting driver the gravel drive way he had just driven down ended at nothing. A wall of tress faced him, making a seemingly impenetrable wall. Thanks to Jim, Castle knew that there was a little path between the trees that led to their cabin. The tress obstructed the cabin but it gave the cabin a peaceful feeling of being in the middle of nowhere when really civilisation was only a short distance away.

Castle sat in his car looking at the view that was before him. The wall of tress blocked him from his desired destination. Beckett. Beckett was behind that wall; all he had to do was scale it. The trouble was he wasn't sure if he had the courage.

His talk with Beckett's father the night before had been enlightening. Castle had never been scolded by a father figure before. Sure he had been yelled at for bringing home a girl late in his late teens early twenties but nothing compared to last night. It was like something out of some TV show when he was a child. He was scolded and called an idiot but then he was also given advice on how to stop acting that way.

It was kind of nice, actually. Dinner had been a pleasant event. It seemed to be therapeutic for both of them. Castle listened while Jim regaled him with tales of Junior Beckett, happier times in the Beckett house hold. Castle then filled Jim in on the Beckett of today.

By the time Castle returned home he started feeling almost back to normal. The confidence he felt last night while talking with Jim was now gone. No matter what Jim said about his daughter's feelings it was up to Beckett herself to tell him, something he wasn't so sure she would do. But he had to try. He needed to get out of limbo; he needed answers.

Picking up his cell Castle sent a quick text off to Jim letting him know he had arrived. The roads weren't easy to navigate and all he had was a hand drawn map. Castle frowned as he noticed the battery bar on his phone was getting low. He turned it off just in case he needed to use his phone on the way home. In his haste to get here he had forgotten not only to charge his phone but to grab his car charger.

Throwing his phone back into the console of the car, Castle looked up at his rear vision mirror. He was procrastinating, sure, but he wanted to look his very best. Bringing a hand to his hair, he fluffed it a few times before taking a deep breath. It was time.

Opening the door to his car, Castle stepped out on to the gravel driveway. As he walked to the almost invisible path between the trees Castle cringed as the gravel crunched under his feet. Well, it was one way to make an entrance. Beckett would probably have a shot gun aimed at him before he even made it through the trees.

It was peaceful here, well apart from the symphony his feet were creating. He could understand why Beckett wanted to be here. It was calm, peaceful and beautiful. Considering what they had just been through it was probably just what she needed. Maybe he should have escaped New York City, too. Except he would have stayed in contact with the people he loved and cared about.

The cabin came in sight and Castle suddenly felt like there were butterflies in his stomach. The rest of his future resided on what was about to happen. As much as he wanted answers, he was scared. Scared of a future that could possibly remain Beckettless.

Castle took a deep breath once he reached the stairs that led up to the cabin. It was now or never. All he had to do was walk up those stairs and knock on the door. Just five steps up and three footsteps forward, that's all it would take. Yet he couldn't muster the courage to do it. It was going to take all the strength he had to admit his feelings to Beckett, yet again. To put it all on the line.

_Just do it_, he thought looking down at his Nikes on his feet. He had chosen a more relaxed outfit for his journey today. He wanted to come across as laid back and casual. Not so imposing or intimidating. Not that he thought Beckett was intimated by him. He just wanted to make Beckett feel comfortable here in this environment, with him there. A suit in the forest would be overkill.

"Okay, you can do this," he said quietly to himself. "Oh the count of five. One…two three… Oh, to the hell with it!"

Castle practically ran up the stairs and quickly rapped on the door. If he was going to wet his pants, the sooner the better.

"Just a sec."

Her voice hit him in the solar plexus, rendering him paralysed. Oh god. He missed that voice. It wasn't the same when he replayed it in his head. The door opened and there she was, standing before him, a smile plastered on her face. At least it was until she saw him.

"Castle!" she gasped. "What are you doing here?"

Castle blinked at the woman before him. She was alive and she was so beautiful. He had pictures on his phone and his laptop but nothing beats seeing the real thing.

"I came to see you. Can I come in?" he asked nervously.

She glanced over her shoulder then looked back at him timidly. Although it was subtle she used her grip on the door to pull it closer to her body, effectively blocking his view of the inside of the cabin.

"Umm, no. I don't think that would be a good idea."

Castle hung his head down. Just because Jim said Beckett had broken up with Josh didn't mean they hadn't gotten back together. Or maybe she had found someone else while she was up here.

"Is there someone here?" he asked, afraid of the answer.

"No."

Castle's head shot up. She was alone; that was good.

"So why can't I come in? I really think we need to talk." He tried to remain firm but his resolve was rapidly dissolving.

Beckett shook her head. "No, Castle, I don't think that's a good idea. I told you I would call."

"It's been a month," he told her.

Beckett shook her head. "I am just not ready to talk, Castle. Please."

She was begging him. Beckett was begging him. He would do anything for this woman, but he couldn't do this. She wasn't ready to talk, that was fine.

"You can listen then," he told her.

Beckett seemed a little startled. Good. It was about time she learned she no longer called the shots when it came to his life. She gave up that right when she abandoned him.

"I know you said you wanted space and I was fully willing to give you that." Castle shook his head. "Yet you barely even called or texted or emailed me to let you know you were ok."

When Beckett opened her mouth to respond, Castle lifted his hand to indicate she stop. He had to get this out.

"You're not the first woman to tell me she wanted space, Beckett. Kyra wanted space but it turns out it was some little game where she expected me to follow her. Well I am though playing games Beckett. Kyra wanted me to follow her and I didn't, so I lost her. Losing her at the time was devastating. Later finding out I had a chance and I missed it hurt like hell, too." Castle raked a hand through his hair. Words were his life but it was so much easier writing them than saying them.

"I am not going to go through that sort of pain again, Beckett. I love you."

He saw her eyes widen with surprise.

"Please Beckett, don't act like that the first time you have heard me say it. I know you lied. I may not be a cop, but despite what you may think I have learned a few things from you. You lied at the hospital. Hell, your eyes practically challenged me to refute it that day. But I didn't. I let you have you lie and you know what? I don't even care about why you lied anymore."

He watched as she seemed taken aback by his statement.

"I love you, Beckett. I'll even say it again so I know you heard me. Then maybe it will sink in for you so you know I meant it. I love you, I love you, I love you."

Beckett seemed shocked at his ability to rattle off the words and he was, too. He had been so scared before but he couldn't stop now.

"What I feel for you is so much stronger than what I ever felt for Kyra, what I ever felt for anyone else. I couldn't just sit back and watch you slip away from me. I don't think it's something I could recover from. It's not something I've been dealing well over the past month. Up until last night most of my meals we coming out of a bottle."

Beckett's face seem to physically pale before his eyes. Bringing up his drinking hadn't been something he wrote in his head on the way up here. She had to know, though.

"Thankfully for me your father turned up and talked some sense into me. Jim really is an amazing guy. I yelled at him for being a Beckett and asked if he was there to break my heart and he still gave me this address. That was even after I threw up on his shoes. He told me he thought I was a fighter that he thought I would fight for you."

Castle shrugged. He wasn't sure what else he could say.

"So here I am, Beckett. Fighting for you. Fighting against you. You didn't want me here, but I am here. You didn't want to hear my confession but I am telling you anyway. I love you. I want to be with you. I am sorry I didn't give you the space you needed or deserve, but this is about my life, too .I can't keep going on like this. I need answers. While you're up here in peaceful bliss I am back down there in limbo. I don't know where my life is going and I can't make any moves until I know how you feel."

His eyes locked with hers and he tried not to blink. He had to be strong, show her he was serious. Her brows furrowed as her eyes began to look more pained.

"You can't do this to me, Castle," she finally spoke. "You can't just come up here with no notice and dump this all on me."

"I am not doing this to you; you did this to me, Beckett. By not contacting me you forced my hand."

Beckett shook her head. "I can't deal with this right now. I can't give you an answer"

Castle felt his bottom lip start to tremble. What was he supposed to do? He laid his heart out for her and she wouldn't even look at it.

"Fine, I always hated pop quizzes. I much preferred multiple choice."

Her eyes narrowed at him.

"I'll give you a question and you can pick 1 of 4 answers. You don't have to use your own words. It's even easier than that. There is always one answer that is so bogus you know it's wrong. Two answers that seem very similar but there is something different about both that make them the wrong. So then the right answer should stare you right in the face. "

She shook her head but he didn't care.

"The question is: Richard Castle loves you, how do you feel about him?"

She opened her mouth to respond but he held up his hand to silence her again.

"A. You love him too and you're ready to dive into a relationship with him."

He tried to gage her reaction to that one but she stood frozen so he continued.

"B. You love him but you are not quite ready. Just a little side note, he is willing to wait he just needs to know you want him to."

He realised he was talking about himself in the third person and he hated that but he wanted her to know she had options.

"C," he said sighing, not happy with what he was about to say next, for fear she would pick one of these options. "You don't love him but you do care for him and want to continue being his friend." And because he hated to say it, he rushed out the last option. "Or D, you hate him and you wished he had never come into your life and the sooner he leave it, the better."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. He hoped it was because she was refusing the last option.

"Castle, please don't make me do this. I need more time to sort myself out."

"What about what I need?" he pleaded. "Do you think this is easy for me? Whatever you need to sort out I can be there for you. I have always been there for you."

She shook his head at his statement and that was it for him. He couldn't do this anymore.

"Fine."

He turned and ran down the stairs.

"Castle wait," she called after him "What are you doing?"

He did this one final thing for her. He stopped and turned around.

"I am sorry, Beckett, but I can't do this anymore. I have to move on with my life. I need to start living again, something I haven't been doing for the last month. If you won't give me an answer than I'll have to give you one. D."

With that he turned around and stomped his way back through the trees.

* * *

**Authors Note: Ok so firstly you have to thank LittleLizzieZentara for editing this chapter so quickly so fans could have it quicker.**

**Secondly this story was never meant to be a long story. In fact there isn't much more to this story, chapter wise(1 to 2 more). However this story got so much of a response I am thinking of extending it. If that's what you want.**

**Now I know alot of you out there are like its your story do what you want, and I will to a certain degree, but I also write for you fans. **

**Do you want alot more of this story. And do you have any ideas on where, how it should go. Anything you were annoyed about in the show and always wanted it fixed but it never was. You can't write it but you'd love to see it ?**

**Now I do have a few ideas and have started writing and formulating some of it. I don't however want to lessen the impact on what I have been trying to achieve with these last few chapters though.**

**I have been working on a new story called. "Win a date with Richard Castle" . It's another short (ie one shot to 3 chapters) to medium story (ie 4 to 10 chapters).**

**So what would you prefer. Me to extend this story slightly or to move on to a new exciting story for you to read.**

**All thoughts , ideas and opinions will be considered and well received.**

**Review please it will make my day so much brighter.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

I figured its Castle Monday but we have no Castle. So what's better than having your favourite (well I hope anyway) story updated.

OK so there was a little confusion, some thought chapter 3 was going to be the last chapter. Wrong. I said there wasn't much more. Now this chapter was meant to be the last but you wanted more so I am now extending this story due to popular demand. I am using some ideas given to me by people so please feel free to give me more.

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 4_

Kate Beckett stood frozen to the spot as she watched Richard Castle walk away from her. Walk out of her life. She just stood there and let him go. No words were emitted out of her gaping mouth, her body not moving an inch. It was only when his body disappeared through the trees that she started breathing again. He was gone. It was over.

Closing the door she rested her head against the wooden surface. If that was the way he was going to play it, then fine. She didn't need him.

"I don't need him!" she yelled angrily into the empty cabin.

Taking her head off the door she turned to face the room and was immediately hit in the face by the truth. She may think she didn't need him but the fact that every surface in the room was covered in Richard Castle paraphernalia would suggest otherwise.

When she packed for the cabin not one of his books had made the journey. After two days of watching movies and TV shows her brain had started turning into mush. She needed to do something intellectual; she needed to read. Grabbing her laptop she had opened up her kindle app and tried to read. It was hopeless. None of the stories were holding her attention.

Her eyes kept shifting over to the red cover of a book that was screaming at her to read. So she had relented; she read Heat Wave again. And again. And again. It had taken her no more than four hours to devour the novel but it wasn't enough, she wanted more. When her dad rang to let her know he was coming for a visit she had asked him to bring her collection of books. She had been immersing herself in them ever since.

It wasn't enough to read them she practically studied them as if she were back in high school. It had started out with highlighting a section that confused her. She then moved on to sticking post-it notes in the pages. Now she was onto writing page after page of notes on each book. Mistakes, ways the book could have been better. Her likes and dislikes about each and every character, even questions to ask Castle. All this was laid out before her in the cabin where she had been spending all her time.

She may not want to need him but the ugly truth was staring her right in the face. She did need him.

Beckett closed her eyes to try and fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. Biting her lip hard and scrunching up her face did nothing to quell the tears. Opening her eyes and looking over everything before her, it suddenly felt as if her books were disappearing. The calm and peace she felt when she looked at them was no longer there. Striding forward she grabbed one of the books to prove to herself that it really was there. Yes, there was a book in her hands but it was simply just paper. Empty, meaningless paper. Before Castle had come along in her real life, the books had simply been enough to get her by. Not now. She had come to the cabin to get away from everyone and everything. Yet she had invited Richard Castle into her life whether she liked it or not.

Dropping the book she turned to look back at the door. Castle had been with her the whole time and now he was gone. He had talked about being in limbo and how that was hell for him. The truth was she had been in limbo, too, but she had liked it. She didn't have to make any hard decisions that could change her life. For once she could just relax and be in peace. Yet she had created a hell on earth for the people she cared about. Castle had started drinking because he couldn't handle being in limbo. He was looking to her for answers for his life. Since when was she someone's guiding light? The pain in his eyes was evident when he told her about how directionless he had been. He had come for answers and she couldn't give him any. She had come here to find answers too, but in reality all she had been doing was hiding, hiding from the truth. She had come here to clean up her messy life and all she had done was make it worse. For herself and for Castle.

He loved her, he really did. Castle was right. She had lied to him that day in the hospital. She had been so happy to see him when he first walked in, then he brought up the shooting and her defences went into overdrive. It was like she had just shut down. Too hard. Don't want to deal with it. Over the past few weeks she had almost convinced herself that she had imagined his confession of love. She had been in shock from being shot after all. Who tells someone they love them in a cemetery?

Castle did!

He told her he loved her in a cemetery and then had come here against her wishes to tell her again. That he loved her. More than he had loved anybody else. The man had been married twice yet deep down she knew his confession was the truth. She could see in his eyes the love and devotion, the pain it was causing him to utter the words knowing full well he could get rejected. Yet he had done it. He had fought her. Had come here to fight for her. With her father's permission.

Her father had gone to see Castle and had obviously caught him at his worst. She was glad he had gone though, if only to help Castle. Her father was there for Castle just like Castle had always been there for her.

That's what he had told her when she had told him she had to work things through. Whatever she needed to sort out, he would be there for her. Like he had been there for her the past three years. Hell, even before that. He knew her past and yet he still wanted to be part of her future. Or at least he had wanted that until she stood frozen, letting him walk out of her life. He had told her he needed to start living again. A concept she could understand. She hadn't really lived since her mother had died. That was until Castle came into her life. He made her smile; he made her want to smile. And she was throwing that all away because she was scared. Scared she wouldn't be enough for him. Scared she would be too much for him to handle.

Yet she had given him her tough girl act often enough and he still stayed. Until now. He had enough. He needed answers and she had given him nothing. What was uncanny was that Castle had been the first person to help her get answers in her mother's case. He had done what no other person had done before. He was right, he did fight for her. It was about time she started fighting for him.

Striding towards the door she flung it open and quickly made her way out onto the porch.

"Castle!"

Was she stupid enough to believe that he wouldn't leave? Still she peered through the trees and all around the cabin hoping that he had stayed. Nothing. It was silent. Dead. For the first time since she had gotten there the forest no longer seemed comforting. It seemed dark and desolate. It reminded Beckett of what her life ah been like before Castle had come along.

"Castle!" she yelled out again, this time making her way down the stairs.

Her bare feet hit the hard gravel but it didn't stop her from moving as quickly as she could towards the path. Half way there she stopped. It was useless; he wasn't there. Why would he be there? He had chosen D. No, that wasn't right. Because she had remained silent he had been forced to choose D. All that going any further would do was tear her feet up. She hadn't even made it to the trees yet but when she did the sharp twigs and leaves would have a field day with her bare feet.

Cell phone! What an idiot here she was trying to chase after him in her injured state and she had her cell phone in her pocket. Pulling it out she stared at the phone debating what to do. If she called her number would come up and he could simply ignore it. If she texted he would have to check to see who sent the text. Therefore she would get her answer even if he didn't want to read a text from her.

Beckett took a deep breath. What should she send? It had to be short and to the point. A smile rose to her lips. Well he wanted her to pick an answer so she would. Striking a single letter on the pop up keyboard Beckett sent off the text and waited.

Nothing.

She gingerly walked around on the gravel making sure she had a decent signal. Yep, she did. He should have gotten the text. Would he return by car? Return her text? Call? Three things he could do and yet he seemed to be doing nothing.

She had to go after him. One problem, she didn't have a car. Her father's neighbour Ben did and he was only a five minute walk through the trees. Turning back to the cabin Beckett broke out into a light jog. It wasn't recommended but what did the doctors know? She knew her body better than they did. Right?

Wrong.

She already felt herself getting weak as she made it to the stairs leading up to the cabin. That didn't stop her though. She needed to put her shoes on, grab a jacket and head over to Ben's to borrow his car. Jogging up the stairs took a lot more out of her than she imagined it would. As her foot lifted to take the last step her toe caught the edge. Within a split second Beckett found herself falling forwards. She tried to grab onto something but she had already missed her chance. Her bent knee hit the floor first with a loud thunk before the rest of her body bellyflopped onto the wooden floor.

"Ahh!"she screamed out.

Beckett rolled onto her side, one hand reached for her newly injured knee, the other for her chest wound. Fresh tears spilled down her face. Her knee hurt, her chest hurt, but the most pain was coming from her heart. She was going to lose Castle. Her stupidity in letting him go in the first place, her stupidity in jogging before she was supposed to was going to cause her to lose the most important relationship in her life. The further he drove away the harder it would be to get him to come back.

"Castle," she wheezed through her tears.

Letting go of her knee Beckett brought her arms up to encapsulate her ribs. Her crying was becoming so bad that her body had started to shudder. The shuddering was murder on her surgical wounds. She couldn't help it, she couldn't stop it. And in some ways she didn't want to. She deserved to feel this pain; it was her punishment for causing Castle so much grief. Her tears continued to flood her cheeks as her breathing became laboured. Beckett had lost all control over her body functions as her open mouth stated leaking what she hoped was copious amounts of saliva. She didn't care, didn't try to wipe it all away. What she needed to do was get it all out. All the grief, all the pain. She hadn't cried this badly since her mother had died. The difference here was that she could have done something to stop this pain but she hadn't.

"Castle!" she cried out into the universe.

"Beckett."

Beckett banged her head on the floor. Oh great now she was hearing things, was that thunder she heard, too?

"Oh my God, Beckett! Are you all right?"

Beckett jolted when she felt a hand touch her arm. Not thunder, footsteps on the stairs. She had to blink her eyes a few times to clear them from their watery grave.

"Castle," she gaped in surprise.

She pushed herself up and tried to wipe her face of the various liquid her body had excreted.

"What happened to you?" he asked crouching down.

Beckett could see the deep concern on his face as his eyes roamed over her body.

"I fell. You got my text, you came back."

Castle's eyes met hers as they narrowed. "My phone is dead. I didn't leave. I've just been sitting in my car."

He then looked down at her body again and she watched as his eyes widened. Beckett's eyes followed his and saw the nasty red scrape on her knee.

"Come on, let's get you up off the floor."

He placed one arm around her back, the other under her knees and had scooped her up before she even had a chance to respond.

"You didn't get my text," she asked as he walked the last remaining steps to the cabin door.

"No," he told her as he turned his body so he could use his back to push the door open. "I forgot my charger."

He didn't know. He didn't know what multiple choice answer she had picked. He still thought it was D. Yet he had returned anyway. Why? Surly he hadn't heard her screams. Even though his car couldn't have been parked to far from the path, he couldn't have heard her. Despite what he may think, he wasn't Superman.

"Where should I put you down?" he asked scanning the room for a free spot to deposit her.

Beckett looked around the room taking in what he saw. Books and papers everywhere.

"My room." She pointed in the direction of one of the cabins three bedrooms, and then retuned her hand from whence it came. Around his neck. She hadn't even realised that's where her hands had gone when he had picked her up. It felt so natural for her hands to be there. It felt so natural to be in his arms while he carried her. Although he was big, she never would have considered Castle to be muscular. Yet the ease at which he had picked her up and was now carrying her proved he was stronger than she ever imagined. She felt safe in his arms and relaxed into his hold just as he placed her on her bed.

"Okay, so your dad said there was a doctor nearby. Can you call or do I need to drive there?" Castle asked as he ran a hand though his hair. "Maybe I should have put you in my car and just taken you there to see him, instead."

Beckett slowly rearranged herself on the bed and assessed her injuries. Although her chest was still sore it had subsided. Looking down at her white shirt she noticed no red blood stain so she should be fine. When she had a shower later she would double check to make sure everything was ok. If anything, her knee was the worst out of her injuries.

"No doctor Castle, I just fell. Some ice for my chest would be good, maybe some antiseptic for the knee.

Castle held her gaze for a few seconds before nodding.

"Ok, where is it?"

Beckett smiled. "Ice is in the freezer, first aid kit under sink in bathroom."

"I'll be back as soon as I can. Yell if you need anything."

The author ran out of the room as if his butt were on fire. His concern for her was endearing. It was just a scraped knee and a bruised chest but he was acting as if it was much more serious. Then again, she thought about the way it must have looked when he found her. If he had come back the way he left, he probably saw her feet dangling over the steps. The first time she had heard him call her name it had sounded distressed, now that she thought about it. The thundering she had heard was obviously his feet pounding up the stairs in his haste to get to her. She certainly hadn't heard him scale the stairs when he first arrived on her doorstep. Seeing her laying there crying calling for him had to have conjured up some pretty bad worst case scenarios. He was a writer, after all.

She was ok, though.

He was here; he had never left. Once he stopped fusing over her she was going to find out why. Then she was going to do what she should have done earlier. Tell Castle the truth.

"Ice is in a tea towel, is that ok?" he asked as he practically blew into the room.

Beckett nodded as she reached for the ice and quickly placed it to her chest. Castle had the first aid kit in his other hand and placed it on the bed next to her feet. After wrestling with the catch he threw open the lid and began tossing things out at a maddening rate.

"Castle," she said sternly. "It's ok, it's just a scrape. You can calm down."

He opened his mouth to protest then closed it again before nodding and going back to his task. Albeit at a more natural pace.

"Just grab one of those square packets, that's the antiseptic wipes. There should be a few larger band aids underneath."

Castle grabbed the items and quickly tore the antiseptic wipe out of its package. The roughness he had exhibited with the package wasn't how he approached her knee. His touch was feather light, almost as if he wasn't touching her at all. He was scared, she noticed. Leaning forward, Beckett grabbed his wrist.

"I'm ok Castle, this isn't your fault."

He shook his head at her. "But I stormed off and then you got hurt."

Beckett let her fingers trail over his hand as she let go of his wrist.

"I got hurt because I let you go. It was my mistake. Not yours."

She didn't think he believed her but she let him go back to the task of swabbing her knee. He methodically placed a band aid over it and went about placing all other the items back in kit. He placed the box on the floor next to the bedside table, she surmised in case she needed again, before he stood up. He straightened the covers on the bed first before going to the open window and lowering it slightly. Next he adjusted the curtains so the sun wasn't hitting her fully in the face before picking up a few items that were scattered on the floor.

"Castle, would you stop." She hadn't meant for the anger to be in her voice. He was just being nice and trying to take care of her but he shouldn't. Not after the way she had treated him.

Castle stood their frozen just like she had not so long ago.

"Come sit, we need to talk." She patted the bed beside her, indicating where she wanted him.

He shook his head. "No Beckett, it's ok. You didn't want to talk and I should have respected that. I just came back to say I am sorry. I am sorry and I'll be waiting when you're ready to see me again." He then turned as if to leave.

"Don't you want to know why I texted you?"

He shrugged and looked over his shoulder at her. "I figured you were giving me directions on where I could go."

Beckett frowned for a second before it dawned on her what he meant. Ahh the directions to Hell. Well by the sounds of it he was already there and she had been his chauffer.

Beckett bit her lip and shook her head. "I know my answer for the multiple choice question. Trust you to pick the answer that is bogus."

He turned now and she watched as he tried to hide the smile that was threatening to break out on his lips.

"D was bogus?" he asked.

Beckett nodded. "Yeah! Never D."

He took a few steps closer to her.

"You mean not even when I first started shadowing you? Or when I looked into your mother's case?" He seemed nervous bringing up both situations.

Beckett patted the mattress next to her and this time he sat. A little too far away for her liking but at least he was there.

"When you first started shadowing me I was in crisis." she began. "My job was my direction in life. Reading your books was my sanctuary. Then suddenly my sanctuary and my job were combining and I didn't like it. I was worried I would lose both. I didn't realise that combining them would give me a new direction and a new sense of peace."

She watched him smile. She had spent way too many hours staring at the back cover of his books just to see that smile, now it was here right in front of her. What she was saying created that smile. She felt happier now than she ever had in the past month.

"What about when you kicked me out of the precinct?" he asked.

"I kicked you out of my life but I didn't wish you had never entered it. I was scared, Castle. You had gone and done something no one ever did before."

"Disobeyed you," he said with slight humour in his voice.

Beckett shrugged. "Well, that too. You looked into my mother's case. I told you it was put down to random act of violence. No one saw any reason to look into it further, but you did. Hell, even Will didn't look into it and he was FBI. You believed me, you believed in me. That scared me. You were unlike anyone I had ever met. You saw what I was hiding and you searched for more. You knew I'd be angry. That I would kick you out. You wouldn't be able to shadow me anymore, potentially putting your career on the line. Yet you did it anyway. To give me answers. Now it's time for me to give you some."

She took a deep breath and expelled it loudly. "Not D Castle, Never D. For a few seconds I had to live in the reality of D and I wasn't living."

"So, C?" he asked.

Beckett smiled at his probing. "You have been a great friend and I have always cared for you."

She watched as sadness crept into his eyes so she had to dispel that quickly.

"But not C, Castle."

Castles eyes widened. "Not C?" he asked in disbelief.

Beckett shook her head as she watched his brain go into over drive.

"You do realise C was that we stay friends."

Beckett nodded again. She watched as he took a deep breath and then another.

"Castle," she laughed. "Are you hyperventilating?"

"I'll go, I'll go right now," he said too quickly. "I am okay about waiting now that I know. But I'll get out of your hair. That's what you wanted." He stood up and made to leave.

Beckett quickly reached up and grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving.

"Castle, my answer is A."

He stood there looking at her. He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes she saw they were filled with so much hope. "I am sorry, what?"

"A," she told him confidently. She then shrugged as she smiled. "Always"

"I...You..."

"Wrong vowels," she informed him.

"A," he then threw back his head and laughed. "A?" he asked again.

Beckett nodded before tugging at his hand getting him to sit back down. "I am sorry it had to come to this for me to admit how I feel. I was just so scared, Castle. But never have I been so scared as when I thought you were gone out of my life forever. I came here to escape you but it soon because obvious that wasn't what I wanted."

Castle tried to hide his smile; he then looked over his shoulder out to the rest of the cabin. "Umm, yeah, I tried to ignore that little shrine to me out there. You know if we stumbled across a scene like that on a case we would probably be looking for some psychopath."

Beckett nodded. "Well, I must be crazy for what I have put you though."

"I want to argue with you on that..."

"But you won't," Beckett interrupted him. "Because you know I am right."

Castle just shrugged at her.

"So what does diving in entail?" she asked with a smile.

Castle threw her a goofy grin before inching forward. "Well, it means I get to do this." He picked up her hand and held it.

Beckett raised an eyebrow at him. "That's it. You came all the way up here just to hold my hand."

Castle nodded at her. "I came up here to grab hold of you, and never let you go." He then leant forward and placed a soft gentle kiss to her lips.

Authors note: This was supposed to be the end but you have asked for more so I am going to give it to you. Now I must warn you I had all the other chapters written before I posted. I was just getting them edited. So what you are going to receive from now on is stuff I have only just written so the updates might not be as quick , sorry.

Please review. I love righting the wrongs by writing. So if you were ever annoyed at something in an ep like I often am please tell me and ill see if I can right that wrong for you

A big thank you to all fans I am slowly getting through all the reviews from last chapter. I am trying to reply to most of them. Trying to get the next chapter written while reading a review every 200 words

Thanks Liz


	5. Chapter 5

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 5_

Beckett closed her eyes and groaned as Castles lips left hers. It was better than she had imagined, and yes she had imagined it numerous times. It wasn't a tequila induced kiss like that of Rook and Heat's first kiss. Or an adrenalin and fear inspired kiss like their first when they were trying to save Ryan and Esposito. Yet the light chaste kiss still packed a punch. Beckett groaned again as her lips still tingled from his kiss.

"I am sorry. Did I hurt you?"

Beckett opened her eyes to see fear in Castle's gaze.

"No, no," she told him. "That was a groan of pleasure, not pain."

She watched as Castle sighed in relief. "Ok, good."

Beckett smiled and leaned in to capture his lips again but he pulled back.

"Is everything ok?" she questioned.

Castle nodded at her. "Diving in doesn't mean diving into bed together."

Beckett nervously smiled. That was another thing she had imagined. She hadn't meant to, it was just hard not to. Especially when she was reading a book with a character based on her. A character who on more than one occasion had sex with a character based on Castle. She had tried to keep her head straight while reading Heat Wave and Naked Heat. It was Rook and Heat. Except it wasn't. Not to her. Not to Castle.

"Well the doctor says as long as I am careful and take it easy I should be ok." she told him with a smile.

Castle got up from the bed and walked away from her. Fear grew inside of Beckett. What was wrong, what had she done. Was she being to forward?

"Castle?" she questioned.

"I want more than sex from you Beckett; I thought you knew that."

Beckett took the ice pack off her ribs and placed it on the bedside table. She got up and walked towards him.

"I know Castle."

She placed a hand on his back and rubbed it slightly before he turned around to look at her.

Smiling at him she shrugged. "We have waited so long to kiss, I didn't want to wait any longer."

Castle hung his head down. "That's exactly why we need to talk. To discuss why it took us so long."

Beckett nodded. He was right. As much as she wanted to dive right in they needed to talk about the past. If they didn't address it all now then it would forever plague them.

"Ok, let's talk." She turned to walk back to the bed but his hand on her arm stopped her.

"Can we not talk in here?"

Beckett frowned. What was so wrong about her bedroom?

"Well the rest of the place is a bit of a mess," she told him embarrassed that he had seen her collection.

Castle shook his head. "I don't mind. It's just being in here with you makes me want to forget about talking and see if your doctor was right about you being ok."

Beckett bit her lip. Castle did want to sleep with her he was just trying to show restraint.

"Well ok." Beckett nodded in understanding.

Beckett walked out of her bedroom and into the main living area of the cabin. Looking over the mess she had created over the last few weeks she sighed. Castle was right. It did look like some psychopath's shine to him.

"So you want to take a picture of this for posterity?" she asked looking over the books and papers scattered everywhere.

"My phone is dead and in the car." he said pointing in the direction of his car. " I should probably go get it. I left the car unlocked when I came back."

Beckett nodded. It's not like the crime rate was huge out here but you just never knew.

"I'll take one with my phone if you like."

Beckett patted down her shorts and then looked around the room. What had she done with her phone.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked.

"I can't find my phone." Beckett walked over to the bench by the door where she normally placed things when she came inside.

"Where did you see it last?"

Beckett bit her lip and tried not to roll her eyes. "If I knew where I had it last..." It suddenly dawned on her. She turned to face Castle. "I had it in my hand when I ran up the steps. I must have dropped it when I fell."

Beckett watched as Castle closed his eyes and winched. She really had to watch what she said around him. Any reference to her being hurt had him feeling guilty. An unnecessary feeling. It wasn't his fault. When a faint sound of music entered the cabin Castles eyes opened.

"What's that noise?" He looked around the cabin as if trying to find the source.

"My phone," Beckett announced, briefly perplexed about the origin of the sound. "It's dad's ringtone"

Beckett opened the door to the cabin and walked out onto the porch. The ringing had stopped so she had no idea of which direction to look. She scanned the floor and even looked onto the gravel pathway to see if she had dropped it there. Nope, no phone.

"It's under the chair," Castle told her and he bent down to retrieve the phone.

Beckett stepped back to allow him better access and couldn't help but check out his butt. It was nice seeing him in jeans and a t shirt. He filled out his clothes very nicely, it was a shame he covered up his rear with jackets at the precinct. A big shame.

"Here it is." Castle stood and handed her phone back.

"Thanks. Why don't you go get your phone and I'll call my dad back."

Castle nodded and then headed down the stairs. Fear immediately swept over Beckett. Her hands began to shake. He was just going to get his phone and come back. She couldn't help but think of how he left before. Beckett almost felt like screaming out to him not to go but she knew it was ridiculous, he was coming back. He was coming back to her. She had made the grand gesture, she had told him she loved him.

Looking down at the phone in her hands Beckett unlocked it and tapped the screen to call her father back.

"Hey, Katie."

Beckett smiled. Only her dad could get away with calling her Katie.

"Hi, Dad."

"Is Rick there?"

Beckett sat down on the chair her phone had been residing under and leaned back to settle in.

"He's heading to his car at the moment."

"Katherine Beckett you get off this phone and go after him right this minute."

Beckett was shocked by her father's outburst. He rarely brought out the big guns and used her full name.

"Castle is coming back Dad. He just went go get his phone. It's dead so he left it in the car."

"Good," he told her. "I was worried you had slammed the door in his face."

Beckett sighed. "When he showed up I definitely wanted to." She was glad she hadn't, but the fear she felt at seeing him was overwhelming. Until she realised he would be leaving her forever. That fear out shadowed everything else.

"Did he tell you I came to see him," Jim asked.

"Yeah. He said he yelled and then vomited on you, then you gave him this address." Beckett told her father, puzzled. Why would he give a vomiting drunk the address to his daughter's sanctuary?

"He was drunk when I came to see him. I wasn't expecting that. Nor was I expecting him to ask, because I was a Beckett did that mean I was there to rip out his heart and stomp all over it too. That shocked me more than Rick vomiting." Jim told his daughter

Beckett took a deep breath. Castle had asked her father if he was going to rip his heart out and stomp all over it too. Too! As in a Beckett had already done it to him. She had done it to him.

"I was so ashamed of you, Katherine. I couldn't believe my daughter could do that to someone I know she cares about."

"But Daddy," Beckett tried to protest.

"No buts, Katherine. I know your mother dying broke your heart. It broke mine too. How could you subject someone else to that same pain? Rick told you he loved you and you chose to ignore it."

Beckett hung her head down. Her father had every right to be ashamed of her. Tears ran down her face. She had treated Castle so badly.

"Beckett"

Beckett looked up suddenly and saw Castle standing at the base of the stairs. She hadn't heard him walk up.

"Are you OK? " he asked concern clearly showing on his face.

She looked at the phone in her hand.

"Ah Dad, can you give me a second?" she said into the phone. She didn't wait for a response, just pulled the phone away from her face. "Yeah, I am just talking with my dad. Can you go inside and wait for me? My phone charger is in my bedroom."

Castle observed her for a few seconds before nodding. He walked up the stairs and into the cabin closing the door behind him.

Beckett took a deep breath before placing the phone back up to her ear. "Sorry Dad. Castle just came back."

"This time. This time, he came back Katie." her father admonished her. "How many times are you going to push him away before he decides he has had enough?"

The tears that had briefly stopped started to flow again. Castle had left earlier, but he came back. her dad was right, he wouldn't do that forever. She had to stop pushing him away.

"I know Dad."

"Do you, do you really? I gave him the address and he didn't want it."

Beckett was shocked. She assumed Castle would have jumped at the chance to come and talk to her. It was the main reason she told her father not to tell anyone where the cabin was. She didn't want to be ambushed.

"When I got to his place, Katie, it looked like he had given up the fight. That he was done." Beckett heard her father sigh again. "He believed he had no reason to fight for you anymore. That you didn't care for him at all. The only reason Rick is even there is because I told him you love him."

"You did what?" she asked shocked.

"I told him the truth, wether you realise it or not. "

"I..." Beckett wasn't sure what to say. Her father knew she loved Castle. How was that possible? It had taken so long for her to admit that to herself.

"He still didn't want the address."

This had Beckett frowning.

"Why not?" she asked a little unsure if she really wanted to know the answer.

"If he went to see you it was for one reason and one reason only. He loved you and wanted to be with you," her father told her. "He didn't think he was worthy of you."

Beckett gasped. Castle didn't think he was worthy of her. What made her so great that he thought he wasn't worthy. Castle had stuck by her through thick and thin. He had continued to come back and put up with her crap. Yet he thought he wasn't worthy of her. It was she who wasn't worthy of him.

"Katie, I can't watch you throw your life away. You promised me in the hospital that you would stop going after your mothers killer. I thought that would be enough, but it's not. Not after seeing what you have put your friends through, what you have put Rick through. This stops now Katherine"

Kate was gobsmacked.

Their relationship had been strained since her mother had died. It had gotten better once he had gone into rehab but they had never had a heart to heart like this. At least not until the day in the hospital. He had sat down calmly, had taken her hand and asked her to stop looking into her mother's murder. Her father had turned the tables on her. Threatened to do what she had told him she would do if he didn't go into rehab. Disown her. He was the only family she had left and couldn't lose him so she gave up the fight. She couldn't lose her father too, not again. It was why she had gotten the hell out of dodge, so she wouldn't be tempted to go back to the case. Now he was asking for more. Not for himself though. He was asking for more, for her friends. For Castle. For her!

"I told Rick I loved him."

"You did? " her father asked surprised.

Beckett nodded and then realised he couldn't see her. "Not before he walked away from me again."

"Katie."

Beckett could hear the frustration in his voice. "I was scared Daddy"

"Oh sweetie, we are all scared. Never forget you have me and Rick and your friends who will help you through all that."

Beckett smiled. He called her sweetie. It had been so long since her father had called her that. It wasn't until then that she realised how much she missed it. She wished he was there so she could hug him. Hold onto him and never let go.

"I know." Beckett told him. "I guess I just needed a reminder of that. I am so used to doing things on my own. Having all these people giving me help freely isn't easy to get used to."

"And that's my fault," he told her. "I abandoned you when you needed me the most. It's why I am so hard on you now. I am sorry. Rick could be so good for you. I want you to be happy."

Beckett bit her lip. "I want to be happy too." And she really did. For so long she believed she couldn't be happy while her mother was dead. Being happy didn't mean she was dishonouring her mother's memory, being miserable was. She took a deep breath. "I need to go, Dad. I need to talk with Castle. Saying I love you isn't enough."

"Ok Katie, I'll talk to you real soon."

Beckett smiled. She was actually looking forward to it. "Bye Dad." Saying 'bye' just didn't seem enough for the eye opening he had given her. "And Dad, thank you. I love you."

"I love you too, Katie."

Taking the phone away from her ear she tapped the screen to end the call. Her dad had yelled at her but he might as well have slapped her in the face. Two wake up calls in one day. First Castle telling her he loved her and yet was willing to walk away from that love. Then her father showing he loved her but being truthful with her. She had hurt Castle by lying, hurt him by staying away. She thought an admission of love would simply wipe the slate clean. It didn't. She had a lot to make up for.

Standing up, Beckett wiped the stray tears off her face. She probably looked like hell anyway. It had been difficult to wash her hair so on most days she didn't bother. Her clothes were a little baggy on her thanks to her lack of appetite and haphazard eating patterns. With Castle back in her life in body not just in spirit she was sure her appearance would change. She would see a happy person in the mirror and just maybe she would ask for his assistance to wash her hair. Right now she needed to go and make penance otherwise she wouldn't be able to look at herself in the mirror, no matter how good her hair looked.

Taking a deep breath Beckett opened the door and walked into the cabin.

**Authors Note: So i decided to continue this story and put my other one on hold. Thank you so much for all the alerts and followers but i really do want to know what you think. Reviews a re hard to write i know, but think about it all i am asking for is a few words and i give you 2000 or more.**

**Sorry i shouldn't black mail you.  
**

**Read this and enjoy. Hoepfully i can help brighten your day. Oh and BTW its Castle Monday here in Australia. AHHHHHH. First ep of new season although i have been wacthing them online but still aHHHHHHH  
**


	6. Chapter 6

_Ok so I have to apologize. Sorry Sorry Sorry. Last chapter I forgot to thank a reviewer. So..._

_TonyCastle. Thank you so much for your idea about Jim Beckett standing up for Castle and berating his daughter. At first I thought I could slip the idea into a future chapter. But I guess the idea stuck with me and when I started to write the last chapter the idea simply spawned into a huge conversation. It ended up being a major part of the last chapter. So thank you so much for the idea._

_All you other who have reviewed and clicked for alerts. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much they man to me._

_And as Always_

_Thanks_

_Little Lizzie Zentara _

_For fixing my mistakes and putting up with me._

* * *

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 6_

Beckett looked over the cabin. Castle had cleaned up quite a lot. Most of the books and papers were now sitting in piles out of the way under one of the windows. He was gathering up the final ones when he looked up at her.

"Everything okay with your dad?"

Beckett nodded and walked over to the man who had brought so much into her life. Joy, happiness, frustration. She didn't hesitate to put her arms around his waist and hold him tight. Resting her head against his chest she squeezed him tighter, not wanting to let him go. If she did, it felt as if the world would collapse around her.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

Beckett nuzzled her face into his chest. "I am so sorry. So sorry."

Beckett heard books hitting the floor before she felt his arms wrap around her. She felt one hand run reassuringly down her hair and felt the lightest touch of his lips to her forehead.

"It's ok," he told her.

Beckett shook her head as the tears ran down her face again. What was with her crying today? She didn't normally cry this much. She had cried because she thought she had lost Castle before. Now she was crying for all the pain she had caused him. She caused him so much grief and yet here he was, holding her.

"No, it's not." Beckett pulled her head back from his chest but kept her arms firmly in place. "I have hurt you so much. I have been so selfish. I thought if I just told you I love you things would be ok with us but they won't be. You were right not to kiss me when I wanted. Kissing won't solve anything. "

Castle nodded at her. "Come on, let's sit down and talk."

Beckett took a few deep breaths and allowed him to guide her to the now cleared couch. She sat down and immediately took his hand in hers. If she couldn't have her arms wrapped around his body then she would take whatever she could get.

Where did she start? Where was the beginning of the mess that was her life?

"I broke up with Josh."

Did she just say that? Well, it wasn't quite where she had planned on starting but she would go with it. She had never told Castle she had broken up with the doctor, again out of fear. Obviously he knew…or did he? Would he have come here if she wasn't available? He had confessed his love when she was taken. At least her single status had been taken by Josh, but Castle had taken her heart.

"Your father told me," he informed her.

Beckett nodded. It seemed her father had contacted Castle and didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. She was so glad for that.

"Why did you break up with him?"

Oh this was a can of worms. "He was nice enough but you were right. I didn't love him. There hasn't been anyone, apart from my father, that I have loved since my mother died. Except you."

She felt his hand tighten in her grasp but Castle remained silent. She had almost expected an 'I told you so'. Although Castle wasn't the type of person to gloat, not at a time like this.

"I am sorry about lying to you that day in the hospital. I remembered you tackling me to the ground. I remember you telling me to stay with you and that you loved me. I remembered it all and I lied because I am coward."

"Beckett, you are the bravest person I know." He rubbed his thumb reassuringly over her hand.

Beckett shook her head. "I can face psychopath killers but I couldn't face you. I was scared of love."

"Love is scary, Beckett. It's also amazing and beautiful."

"I know," she told him, nodding. "But when that love is gone you just feel so empty inside. I loved my mother and I lost her. I loved my farther and I lost him to the bottle. I didn't want to ever feel that pain again. I was so scared when you told me you loved me. I thought if I said it back that I would somehow lose you too. You have become a big part of my life, your books, and your friendship. I didn't think I would survive without you. I am so sorry I let my fears hurt you."

"It's ok Beckett," he told her.

"No, it's not!" she cried out. "How could I hurt someone I love?" Beckett hung her head down in shame. Admitting it out loud felt like a bullet to the chest all over again. The blissful feeling of his arms wrapping around her overshadowed the negative feeling of shame.

"We do stupid things sometimes," he told her. "You were trying to protect yourself. I was upset that you lied and it hurt like hell. Now I know why, it's given me some peace. It doesn't excuse it but it makes it easier."

"Why do you keep coming back?" Beckett looked up and locked eyes with him.

Castle smiled at her. "Isn't it obvious? I love you."

Beckett shook her head. "How could you love this?" She tried to push out of his arms but he held tight.

"You know I asked your father the same thing. I didn't think I was worthy of your love and he taught me we are more than our faults."

"I know, he told me. How could you think you weren't worthy of me? You have it backwards Castle; it's I who am not worthy of you." She was no longer fighting to be out of his arms. She needed to be in them. To reassure him he was worthy of so much more.

"What? That's ridiculous!" he told her incredulously.

"The way I treated you was inexcusable."

Castle hung his head down. "But you realise that. You're trying to make amends. That's what important. Neither of us can promise that we won't do something stupid and hurt each other again. All we can do is promise to try."

Beckett nodded at him. She was happy with those terms. He had accepted her apology but she knew that it wouldn't be the end of it. No doubt these issues would come up again but at least now it was out there.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about? I don't want there to be any more secrets between us. I wasn't ready to talk before but I am now. I realise how our lack of communication leads to miscommunication."

Castle shook his head. "I think we have had enough hysterics for one day," he tried to scoff but it came off halfhearted.

Beckett released his hand and trailed her fingers up and down his arm.

"There has, but I think it's all long overdue." Beckett sighed. She knew she needed to bring up some painful memories. It was hard to think about. It seemed so long ago but the pain was still just as strong. "When you came and saw me before I got shot and we fought." Beckett stopped and took a deep breath. "You said we nearly froze to death in each other's arms and we don't talk about it. You mentioned the kiss in the alley too. Maybe we should talk about it."

She watched as Castle seemed to swallow deeply. "Ok, did you want to go first?"

Beckett licked her lips. No not really, but she was the reason they hadn't talked in the past. It was time she took a stand.

"I want you to know how much it meant to me that you were there during all three near death experiences. I don't think I would have survived physically or mentally if I had been on my own, or been with Ryan or Espo."

"You wouldn't have been in those situations if it weren't for me." He tried to laugh it off but Beckett could tell his laugh was laced with guilt.

Beckett hands moved up to his shoulder and squeezed it tight.

"None of us would be here today if it weren't for you. Me. You. The whole of New York City. We would all be dead if it weren't for you and hardly anyone knows that. The whole world should be singing your praises."

"I got a hug from you. That was thanks enough."

Beckett nodded. She had hugged him after he had miraculously disabled the bomb. Then she had watched him walk off as Josh had pulled her into a hug.

"No it wasn't, Castle. You were there for me. When we were quarantined you talked to me, trying to get my mind off of it. You wrapped your arms around me to keep me warm in the freezer. Our last moments on earth and you took my hand and had your last look of life be my face." Beckett took a deep breath before closing her eyes. "And after all that I still went home with Josh."

A tear seeped out of her eye and ran half way down her cheek before it was stopped by a gentle touch. Beckett opened her tear filled eyes and watched as Castle hand retreated from her face.

"He was your boyfriend; of course you were going to go home with him."

Beckett gulped. "He came back for me, Castle. I had to give him another chance. I thought I owed it to him."

"What about what you owe yourself?"

Beckett hung her head down and gritted her teeth. Why did he have to have such insight?

"I am sorry, that was out of line," Castle told her as he stood and walked over to the window.

Beckett looked up and saw Castle standing by the window. No, why did he have to walk away? It was over now. Josh was out of the picture. Yet sins of the past would always haunt them.

Beckett ran her hands down her face before lacing her fingers together. She held her hands there as if in prayer and rested her nose on them.

"No it wasn't, Castle. It's my life and I needed to stop living it for other people. We both need to start living," she told him.

Beckett ran a hand through her hair and winced when the action pulled at her wound. There was still one thing she needed to address. The kiss. The kiss that opened up a flood gate.

"When we trying to save Ryan and Esposito I really had no idea what to do. You came up with the idea of us playing a drunk couple and I went with it. It was like something out of a movie but I went with it. I trusted you."

Castle turned to look at her. "You have no idea how much I appreciated you going with my plan, even though it was dumb."

Beckett shrugged. "I asked for dumb, you gave me dumb."

Castle scoffed, and then turned back to the window.

Beckett understood. Thinking about the kiss, and then her actions after, was hard.

"When the guy started walking towards us I'll admit to being scared. With just a twitch of his finger you could have been killed. In a split second I had to make a decision. Us or Ryan and Esposito. Lockwood could have killed them instantly or come after us, guns blazing. You saved us, you saved them, by kissing me." Beckett laughed. "I had no idea what you were doing when you grabbed my gun and then held my head firmly. When you leaned in I still had no idea you were going to kiss me."

"Really. I need to work on my technique."

Beckett stood up and walked towards him but stopped a few feet away.

"On two other occasions I have thought you were going to kiss me and you didn't. The first was during our first case and you did kiss me, but on the cheek. The second was with after the champagne shootout. You leaned in and I held my breath thinking you were going to kiss me right there in front of everyone. And again you didn't. You told me not to call you kitten and then walked off."

Castle laughed. "You have no idea how hard that was."

"Well, I thought you were going to pull some stunt again, maybe try take out that oaf on your own. Then suddenly you were kissing me. And I was shocked and bewildered."

Castle turned around and finally looked at her. "Bewitched and bothered?"

Beckett smiled. "Yeah. It bothered me that I so easily let you kiss me, but I was bewitched by you. I couldn't stop myself from taking you in my arms and kissing you again. I completely lost focus on where we were and why we were there. All I could think about was you."

Castle gulped. "So I wasn't the only one entranced."

Beckett shook her head. "If it hadn't been for that goon walking so loudly who knows ..." Beckett left the sentence open. She didn't want to think about what would have happened. It had been the reason she had never discussed the kiss with Castle.

"I never wanted to talk about the kiss because I was afraid of what I might do, Castle."

Castle frowned. "What you might do. What would you have done? All I want to do was talk. Unless you were planning on taking me down like you did that guy?"

Beckett smiled. Castle. Always with a joke. "No. If we talked we would have been alone."

Castle looked at her.

"Away from prying eyes."

Castle still wasn't getting it.

"I was afraid I would kiss you again. That I would lose control, like I did that night."

Castles mouth dropped open. "You don't lose control, Kate."

Her breath hitched. He called her Kate. Why was it when he said it, it rolled off his tongue in such a way that caused her to tingle? "I wanted you but I had a boyfriend. Even just thinking about you made me feel like I was cheating on him."

"I am sorry, Beckett."

She shook her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Castle. It was me, all me."

He didn't say anything just simply stared at her, his breathing becoming laboured.

"I made a lot of mistakes, Castle, and there is nothing I can do to change that. But I do love you. I love you and I am going to try and be a better person, for me and for you."

Castle smiled and took a step closer to her. "I love you, too." He brought a hand up to her face and cupped her jaw. "But I think we are done talking." He leaned in and touched his lips to hers. Beckett groaned as the familiar sensation swept over her. Castle lips on hers. Castle. She wanted to sing she wanted to dance. She wanted him.

"Mmmgggggeerrrrr."

Castle stepped back and laughed. "Was that your stomach grumbling?"

Beckett laughed and brought a hand to her face. "I am so embarrassed. I haven't been eating regularly."

"Me either," he told her guiltily.

"You hungry?"

Castle shrugged. "I could eat."

Beckett took him by the hand and dragged him into the kitchen. "I'll make us something."

Castle smiled being eagerly led by Beckett. "You're going to cook for me?"

Beckett released his hand and opened the small fridge. "Well, you know the old saying. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Castle nodded. "Well when I first met you I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, so I fully agree with that statement."

When Beckett started pulling lots of ingredients out of fridge Castle looked at the ensemble. This wasn't going to be a basic slap a piece of cheese between two pieces of bread. She was actually going to make them a meal. It was late afternoon and he had scarffed down a brunch of snacks while driving so he was defiantly up for food. It was the time it would take to cook that was concerning him.

"Not that I am complaining or anything but is this going to take long?"

Beckett smiled up at him. "Why Castle, you have somewhere else you need to be?"

Castle stepped closer to her as she took out a few pots and pans. "Well, it took me awhile to get here and I got lost a few times. I am a bit concerned about driving home in the dark."

Beckett looked at him, shocked. "You're leaving? But I saw you bring a bag inside."

Castle winched. "You noticed that."

Beckett nodded.

"I didn't want to naturally assume it would be ok for me to stay. I brought my bag with me in case someone saw it in there and thought my underwear was worth stealing."

"You're staying," she informed him.

Castle nodded.

"I just hope Lanie and the guys are as easy to deal with. " Beckett began to nervously fiddle with the cooking implements. "I have no idea what to say to them."

Castle leaned against the counter. "Well we have a long drive home tomorrow I am sure you will think of something."

Beckett dropped the pan. She held up her hand to stop Castle from bending down to retrieve the item. The last thing she needed was for them to bang heads. Picking up the pan she held it tightly.

"Castle, I am not going back to New York tomorrow."

Castle looked shocked. "But there is no need to hide anymore; we're together now."

"I am not hiding, I am here healing. Recuperating. I am just not ready to deal with New York yet. I need to stay here."

Castle shook his head. "What about what I need, Kate? I have a life and a family in New York. Mother and Alexis are away right now but they will be coming back and I need to be there. I have a book to finish and I have friends who need me. I've abandoned all that the past month while wallowing in self-pity. I can't do that anymore."

"Can't you stay here for a little while?" she pleaded.

Castle shook his head. "I promised your dad that I would go to an AA meeting with him tomorrow. I can't be there and be worried about you here. I need you home with me."

Beckett's eyes widened. "You want me to stay with you?" She took a few steps back.

Castle followed her. "Please don't freak out, Kate. I am not asking you to live with me, I am just saying I want you to stay with me. Just for a little while. You can have your own room and everything. It would just be until you're properly healed both physically and mentally. I want to be there for you, to support you. I can't do that if your here and I am there."

Beckett took a deep breath. He wanted her to come back to New York City. A place that haunted her. Yet she wouldn't have to return to her apartment. He was offering her a place to stay so she could recover. If she needed him, he would be there just a few doors down. She would be there in his home, safe. Maybe there was more to this. She just didn't need his support, he needed hers.

"I know it's your life and I have no say in it."

"No Castle, you're wrong. I chose A. A, because I love you. A, because I need you. A, because I want you in my life. It's my life but you're a part of that now. You do get a say in it. I am not saying I'll like it or agree with it but you should at least get a say."

She stepped forward and placed the pan she was holding with a vice like grip down. Beckett walked up to Castle and wrapped her arms around his body as she rested her head on his chest.

"I'll come home with you, Castle, but I can't promise for how long. All I can promise is that I will try."

Castle rubbed her arms before pulling back and looked down at her. "That's all I ask."

* * *

Feel free to follow me on twitter although I may not be very interesting or on there alot. Natalie NattieLizzie

Or you can check me out on You Tube. I review each of the eps and it may give you a little bit of insight into my life and mind. Not sure how you can search for me but I am NelieFirefly. Or type in Final Frontier Review Castle. I am still trying to figure out all the ins and outs of youtube, sorry. But yeah check me out if you want.

Thanks for reviewing. Love hearing your ideas and theories


	7. Chapter 7

_**Hey guys sorry this took so long. Life got in the way. In the meantime if you are looking for another amazing(assuming you think this story is amazing) story. Seriously go check out 'Armed and Dangerous' By Celeste. . It's actually written by three great authors. Celeste. , SheWhoTangles and LittleLizzieZentara (My Beta). They are three of my fantastic friends and have been a great support system for me over this past year. So please support people, who support me and check out their awesome story. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee.**_

* * *

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 7_

Beckett walked into the main area of the cabin. Their early dinner had gone quite well. The cabin didn't have a gourmet kitchen yet she was still able to whip up a nice meal of pasta and salad. Once she realised she would be leaving tomorrow she had taken out all the fresh ingredients from the fridge. Carrots, mushrooms and onions had gone into both the salad and the pasta sauce. The cabin was always filled with dry ingredients like rice, pasta and flour, as well as canned goods like tomato sauce, beans, and corn. She had offered to make dessert but Castle refused. He had barley let her stand at the stove cooking. Castle's coddling was getting on her nerves but she allowed it to continue for now. It was sweet and endearing and she realised something he needed to do. So she had allowed him to help with dinner, which then led to her helping him with a band aid.

Once dinner was over he had offered to do the dishes and she was more than happy to leave him with that task. She was leaving the cabin the next morning and she had to finalise a few things. For Castle's sake she planned on not coming back. At least, not for healing purposes. If she came back it would be for relaxation or a break. She wouldn't be coming back alone. Not now, not ever!

There weren't a lot of personal items to pack. A few items of clothes, toiletries and her books. Her books that Castle was currently packing into some boxes he must have found under the sink.

"Can I help you with something Castle?"

He looked up from his task. "I just thought I'd help. I didn't think you would want to leave these behind."

She didn't. But one thing bothered her as she looked over the room.

"Where are all my notes?" she asked slightly alarmed.

"Oh don't worry they are safe." Castle held up a black plastic folder.

Beckett walked over to him and snatched the folder out of his hand. "Where did this come from?"

Beckett flicked through the folder and saw pages and pages of her writing.

"It's mine."

As he said the words Beckett turned a page and saw Castle's own hand writing.

"What is this?" she asked confused. She hadn't taken that long. Surely Castle hadn't been writing this whole time.

"It's my story ideas book. I always take it with me in my travel 'Go bag'."

Beckett smiled. "You have a travel go bag. Like you're a spy or something."

Castle got up from the floor. "Hey do you know how many times I went on a trip and forgot my underwear."

Beckett laughed. "Because they don't have underwear where you travel to."

Castle looked at her shocked. "I am very peculiar about my underwear."

Beckett smiled. "You're peculiar, that's for sure. So shouldn't your go bag have things in there like a phone charger?"

"Yes but only a wall charger not a car one. I have my phone set up in the other room charging."

The other room. As in _not_ her bed room. Although they had shared a few kisses during dinner preparation he had been treating her as if she were fine china. It now seemed as if he was going to continue that same treatment by staying in the cabin's other bedroom.

"So why put my psychotic notes in with your story ideas?"

"They are not psychotic," he told her as he took the folder out if her hands and held it to his chest dramatically. "You have a lot of good points. I am not writing Storm anymore but you raised issues that I can learn from."

"You read my notes?" Beckett asked shocked. She hadn't really meant for them to be read. It was just ideas and musing that she needed to get out.

"Just skimmed over a few pages. I can't wait to get home and go over them with the books. Read the sections you were referring to and see where I went wrong. Or what made you suggest what you did."

Beckett gasped. "You're going to go over them again?"

Castle frowned at her. "Well, yeah." he looked down at the folder in his hands then back up at her. "I mean if that's ok with you, that is? If it's not..." Castle held the folder out to her.

Beckett looked at the folder. It was her thoughts and ideas about his books. He had put it safely with his own story ideas. He was going to use her ideas as a form of research to be a better writer. It was one thing for him to follow her around and use her work life to base books on. The pages within the folder contained her personal and private feelings about his books. Even at times her psychotic rants about random things in his books.

"You have no idea how interesting and refreshing it was to read," he told her. "I read reviews about my stories from professionals and fans but this was different. You picked it apart and analysed it. You asked questions and pondered theories. It makes me want to go back and re read my own work. To see what you got so excited or agitated about?"

Beckett could see the joy in his face. The point of the notes was to help her but maybe they could help Castle too.

"You can read them. If you think it will help."

Castle smiled at her. "Oh you're so going to regret that. I am already thinking of sitting down and picking your brain about a few of the things you mentioned. I've never had anyone I could do this with before. I mean I discuss scenes and things with Alexis but not like this. This is different. Most people just placate me, or tell me I have to change it because they are my publisher and they know best. You will tell me the truth and argue your point and give me evidence to back up your theories. That is, if you want to. "

Beckett smiled back at him. "I'd like that. It's the same for me, to. I tried to join a book club but with my schedule it just wasn't possible. It would be nice to discuss your books with someone."

Their eyes locked and Beckett wished she could capture this moment.

"Just so you know. Nikki's middle name isn't 'In'."

Beckett couldn't help but laugh. She had written down random thoughts while reading. Being called Nikki Heat was bad enough but if she had a terrible middle name, it was all over.

Beckett nodded. "Ok so it's not 'In'. It had better not be Annmarie, Amalia, Abby, Adele, Ali or any other name starting with 'A'."

"You don't like names starting with A?" he asked confused.

Beckett shook her head. "Not for Nikki. Otherwise her initials would spell NAH."

Castle laughed. "I didn't think of that."

"I swear some parents need to be jailed for the names they give their kids. It's the first most important decision you make for your child and so many people mess it up. Look at you, you changed your name."

Castle shrugged as he placed the folder in his hands on the couch. "That's because I wanted to be a writer not a superhero." He placed his hands on his hips and stood up straight. "It's Ricky Rogers to the rescue."

Beckett laughed as images of a little Castle flooded her mind. "I bet you loved it as a kid though."

Castle nodded giving her a big toothy grin.

"My friend's installs spelt NED. She hated it. Natasha Eve Diano. Some of the guys used to call her Ned Flanders."

"Do you know why I called my character Nikki?" Castle asked her.

The name Nikki Heat had plagued her. It wasn't a cop name.

"That was the name of your favourite stripper?"

Castle shook head and laughed. "No. I do put a lot of thought in my names. I think of the type of person they are. I write down words to describe them, then go onto baby name websites and type in those words. It shoots out a whole list of names that have that meaning. You're lucky I picked Nikki. I could have named her Eunice Heat, it has the same meaning."

Beckett frowned. She honestly thought he got the name off some bimbo he had once been with. To hear that he had taken time and researched the name surprised her.

"What does Nikki mean?"

"Victory of the people. Victorious. Triumphant. Each site and book has a different version."

"Victory of the people?" she asked shocked.

"Yeah. You fight for the victims and most often you win. I wanted a name that said that."

Beckett smiled. Wow. "And here I thought you wanted her name to sound a little slutty."

Castle gave her a cheeky grin. "I did that's why I named her Nikki instead of Nicole. Makes it sound hotter."

Beckett lightly swiped at his arm then covered her mouth when a yawn escaped.

"First my stomach grumbles then I am yawning in your presence. Some host I make."

"Why don't you go to bed? It's been an emotionally tiring day."

It had been. "I normally get up early but end up taking a nap during the day and then stay up late. I was about to go down for a nap when you turned up."

The guilty look returned on Castle's face. "So you're due for sleep, then. I wanted to leave early anyway. If you are cautious about going back to the city then I wanted to ease you into it. Make sure you are settled at my home before I left you to go off with your Dad."

Beckett smiled. Castle always the man thinking of others. He had wanted her to return the city, he had been adamant about it. He also knew how hard it was for her and was willing to ease that worry.

"Ok I'll shower first and then I'll try and sleep."

Castle nodded at her. "Ok I'll just finish tidying up out here and then maybe I'll go to bed to."

"This early?" she asked surprised.

Castle shrugged. "I didn't get much sleep last night. I was worried about today. I can always read your notes or play with my phone if I can't sleep."

Beckett nodded at him. "Ok. Can you deal with everything out here?"

Castle smiled at her so she left locking up for the night with him.

Beckett walked off towards the small bathroom. It wasn't much more than a basin and a small shower cubicle. Castle's coat closet in his home, was bigger than the small confined space she had just entered. Closing the door Beckett began the tedious task of getting undressed. Taking off her shorts and underwear was no problem; it was her t shirt that was the issue. Lifting her left arm pulled on her healing wound so taking off her top the normal way wasn't possible. One handed she leaned forward and pulled at the fabric and after a lot of straining she eventually discarded her top. Looking in the mirror Beckett shook her head and the bird's nest that was on top of her head.

That was the one issue with her injury. Most things she was now capable of doing. Thanks to rest and some light strength training most day to day issues weren't a problem. Except when it came to her hair. Washing it one handed was possible but eventually became way to tiring for her. Forget trying to tie it back, a ratty plait was all she was capable of on a good day. Now that she was returning to New York she couldn't get away with washing her hair once a week. It needed to be done and it needed to be done now. Taking off the rest of her clothes Beckett grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. Taking a deep breath Beckett reached her hand out to the door handle. She could do this, it was easy. All she had to do was turn the handle and walk through the door way. Castle loved her and wanted to help. He had wanted to help her and she had pushed him away. Now it was the time to be the bigger person.

Opening the door, Beckett took one tentative step out.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

Beckett took a deep breath. "Rick I need your help."

She heard his footsteps and then suddenly he was appearing before her. Her took one look at her then immediately tried to avert his eyes elsewhere.

"Oh, Kate I am sorry. I thought you wanted me to come here."

Beckett smiled at Castle's obvious discomfort.

"I do. I need help with this mess." Beckett pointed at her head.

Castle looked at her head and she had to give him credit, he really did try not to laugh.

"Sure what do you need?"

"Can you help me wash my hair?"

Castle looked at her surprised. "Ahh yeah. How can I help?"

Beckett took a deep breath. "Join me in the shower."

Eyes widening, Castle gasped. "The shower?"

Biting her lip, Beckett nodded. "It's to tiring for me to do it on my own. The sink is too small and I don't have one of those attachment hose thingies.

"You want me to have a shower with you," Castle asked shocked.

Beckett nodded.

Castle frowned at her. "Couldn't we just brush it?"

Beckett smiled. His nervousness was endearing. "It has to get washed sometime. If not today, then tomorrow. I thought that was why I was staying with you. So you could help me."

"Oh it is," he told her. Looking her up and down Castle took a deep breath. "Umm ok, you go in and get..." He waved his hand in front of her body. "Get started with everything else. I'll be in... in a second."

Beckett turned around and entered the bathroom as Castle walked off. She dropped her towel and made her way over to the shower when she caught her reflection in the wall mirror. She glanced at her body and gaped in shock. It had been awhile since she had done any landscaping. Rushing to the shower she turned it on and climbed in before the water even had a chance to warm up. Grabbing the bar of soap she quickly created a lather before grabbing her razor and set to work creating a firebreak. This would be the first time he saw her naked unless he had peaked when her apartment had blown up. She wanted to look her best which wasn't going to be easy considering she hadn't been taking good care of herself. The best she could do was maintain the shrubbery and be thankful she had lost her appetite and hadn't been stuffing her face with chocolate. Beckett had just finished admiring her handy work when she heard the door open. The shower was small and only had a plastic curtain so Beckett moved as close to the taps had as possible to allow Castle room behind her. The plastic rings screeched as the curtain was pulled back and soon the small shower became even smaller.

Beckett nervously turned around and looked at the man that was in the shower with her.

"Hey."

"Hey," he repeated back.

Beckett looked over his naked chest, lightly sprinkled with hair. He was a lot more muscular then she ever realised. She tried to keep her eyes focused on his upper body but something down below caught her attention. Beckett tilted her head down and her eyes widened at what she saw.

"Castle," she struggled to get out. She looked up at him for explanation but he had none for her.

"Castle," she said again returning her eyes to his groin area. "Why are you still wearing your underwear?"

"I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable."

Beckett laughed. "Yet I am the one who is naked."

"I don't have any other clothes apart from underwear," he told her. "My go bag contains underwear, toiletries, my folder, charger, pens and paper. I didn't think I would need clothes but I grabbed my go bag just in case."

Beckett frowned. "And you're telling me this why?"

Castle sighed. "I don't have any other clothes to wear otherwise I would have worn my clothes in the shower."

Beckett smiled. Castle was trying to be respectful.

"Rick, if I wasn't comfortable with being naked in the shower with you then you wouldn't be here. You have to know how hard it was for me to ask for help."

He regarded her for a few seconds before nodding at her.

When Beckett reached her hand to his waist band his hands shot out to stop her.

"I'll do it," he told her. "Why don't you wet your hair. The sooner your hair is washed, the sooner I can get out of here."

Beckett ran her hands up his chest and cupped his face. "Or you could stay in here longer."

Castle withdrew her hands and then turned her body around. "We need to get to sleep."

Sleep! Here she was naked and wet in a shower and Castle was thinking about sleep. He hadn't wanted to kiss her earlier because they needed to talk. So they talked, and talked and talked. Now she was done with talking. Their feelings had been aired and a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Now all she wanted to do was wrap him in her arms and show him how much she cared for him. Yet he was turning her away from him. Beckett looked down at her chest and saw the angry red mark on her body. Maybe he didn't want to look at her wound. She didn't blame him, it was sickening. Puckered skin, all red and wrinkly. The scar would get better and she was using the cream the Lanie had given her at the hospital. In the meantime she would give him time, cover her scar and hope for the best.

"Kate, are you ok?"

She nodded. She wasn't but she would be.

"Yeah, let's get this over with." Beckett grabbed her shampoo and handed it to Castle.

She closed her eyes and allowed his fingers to roam over her scalp. It wasn't the kind of contact she wanted but she would take it for now.

The shower was over all to quickly and before Beckett knew it she was tucked up in bed and the sun was barely down.

"Don't I even get a kiss," Beckett asked as Castle arranged the covers over her.

"One," he told her as he leant forward and placed a quick peck to her lips. "Get some sleep. It's been a hard day and I know tomorrow won't be easy for you either. Now sleep," he ordered.

Beckett sighed he was right. She did feel exhausted both physically and mentally. Tomorrow she would be heading back to the city. It scared her but she was doing it for Castle but also for her to. She needed to go back to the city that had caused her to run. It was hard for her to go back but she would have Castle by her side. He would be there supporting her through the hard stuff.

* * *

Beckett sat up in bed gasping. She grabbed at her side as searing pain shot through her. Hunching over she held her side for a few seconds. She knew better than to jolt her body. Why had she sat up so quickly? Taking a few deep breaths Beckett tried to think if she had been dreaming. Her sleeping pattern had been off recently due to dreams about her shooting. Sometimes she would relive the day in minute detail. Other times a figure in black approached her at Roy's grave side while everyone just stood there and watched. Then there were the nightmares. The dreams where Castle was shot. Those were the worst and she often found it hard to sleep after those. Hence the irregular sleep patterns. Beckett scooted up the bed and rested against the head board. She felt calm and at peace. Which was unusual, seeing how she was awake at this ungodly hour. She hadn't been dreaming then.

Why had she woken up? If not from a nightmare then what had caused her to practically jolt out of bed. Pulling back the covers Beckett climbed out of bed and walked over to the window. Maybe some animal was having a turf war. Peering out into the darkness, the forest was still and silent.

"Kate."

Beckett almost hit the roof at the sound of her named being screamed into the night. She turned to look at her open doorway expecting to see Castle there based on how loud his voice had been. Her doorway was devoid of him.

"Kate. Stay with me, Kate."

Beckett blanched as the words Castle had uttered to her after she had been shot echoed through the cabin.

"Stay with me Kate, I love you."

Beckett made her way out of her room and headed to the room Castle had insisted on staying in. He was relieving her shooting. He was having nightmares about the day just like she had been. She entered his room and quickly turned on the lamp by the bed. His eyes were closed but she could clearly see the distress on his face.

"Kate don't leave me. I promise you, I can be a better man."

Beckett frowned. What?

"I am not like that anymore, Kate. I've changed. I changed for you, because of you."

Beckett was confused. Castle had never said any of that to her. Unless he had said that to her after everything went black. No, that couldn't be right. No way would he be uttering such nonsense.

"Kate I love you. Please don't walk away from me."

Beckett's heart broke. Castle was pleading with her dream self. Placing her hand gently on his arm she shook it lightly.

"Rick, wake up."

"Kate, don't leave me."

Oh God this was killing her. Hearing him pleading for her to stay. Beckett pulled back the covers from his bed and climbed in next to him. She wrapped her arm around his chest.

"I am not going to leave you Rick. I am right here," she told the sleeping man.

She snuggled tightly into his chest causing herself a little pain but she didn't care. He needed her, had probably needed her for over a month while she had been holed up here.

"I am not going anywhere Rick."

"Kate."

She noticed the change in his voice immediately. Pulling her head from his chest she looked up at him.

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?" he asked confused and tried to pull her away from him.

"You were having a nightmare," she told him.

She ran a hand down his chest and watched as it rose and fell quickly.

"Rick, are you ok?"

He blinked rapidly looking around the room before locking eyes with her.

"Yeah," he replied breathlessly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He frowned at her. "It's all hazy."

"I thought you were reliving my shooting."

Castle nodded. "I do that sometimes."

"But you weren't." She ran her hand down his face. "You were yelling at me not to leave you."

Castle frowned as if trying to remember. "You were walking away."

She shook her head. "It was a dream Rick. I am not going to walk away. Okay."

He nodded at her but still looked distressed.

"Rick, it's ok. I am not going to leave."

"I know," he told her.

Beckett stroked his face and locked eyes with him. "Rick my father told me a little of what the two of you talked about. He told me that you doubted your self-worth. Just now Rick you were screaming for me not to leave you. You were saying you could be a better man. That you had changed."

He turned his head and wouldn't look at her.

"Rick. I know what a wonderful man you are. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think that. You are incredibly special man and I am lucky to have you. Don't ever forget that ok. I love you and I am here."

She watched as he smiled and then turned to look at her.

"I don't think I will ever get sick of hearing you say those words."

"I love you," she told him again. She struggled to sit up as she tried to place a kiss to his lips. When she felt her skin pull she couldn't help but let out a small hiss.

"Hey let's get you back to your bed."

"No," Beckett protested. "I want to stay here with you. In case you have another night mare."

"I'll be fine."

Beckett whimpered as she felt cool air hit her skin as Castle lifted the covers off her. Castle lightly tapped her back.

"Come on, you will be more comfortable in your own bed."

Castle helped her sit up. Beckett grumbled, the beds in the cabin were a little on the small side. Castle was probably used to sleeping in his gigantic bed and having to share this little one with her would probably feel claustrophobic. Walking to her room Beckett sighed. It was just one night. Tomorrow night they would be back in his home and then they could share his bed and she hoped much more.

* * *

_**Authors note: So thanks for all the new alerts and followers. I do a little Castle happy dance every time I get one. **_

_**Yeah!**_

_**Makes me look like a bit of a freak to my co workers when I start dancing and there is no music on.**_

_**I continued this story as people seemed to want more. Chapter 4 was supposed to be the last. So know I am just going on a whim here. **_

_**We will now move on to Beckett confronting her friends. Anyone ever wanted to see or hear anything particular these guys should have told Beckett when she came back ?**_

_**Please feel free to make suggestions or PM me. I try to be a people pleaser but also like to think outside the box. **_

_**So go ahead review, you know you want to. :)**_


	8. Chapter 8

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 8_

Alexis dropped her bags on the floor and sighed in relief. It was good to be home. After spending over a month with her mother, it became clear they were both getting on each other's nerves. When she had announced she would be returning to New York her mother's relief was noticeable. They loved each other, they really did. It was just that neither was cut out for spending months on end together. There was only so much shopping one person could do.

Looking over the dimly lit loft, Alexis frowned. The darkness was unusual; it was barely 7:00pm. Normally her home was lit up like Times Square. There was also the soft sound of music wafting through the room. Soft music, now that was just plain disturbing. Normally her grandmother was belting out a song or her dad was playing Guitar Hero at 1000 decibels. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Alexis needed wanted to find out what.

Walking around the lower level it wasn't long before Alexis noticed the lump lying on the couch. The person was hidden under a blanket and in the dim light Alexis couldn't see who it was. Hurrying over, Alexis was concerned. Was someone sick? The lump on the couch was too small to be hers father's, so Alexis was concerned it was her grandmother. She may be young in mind and heart but in reality Martha Rodgers was no spring chicken. It wasn't until she was standing over the person on the couch that Alexis took in the long brown hair and pale skin.

Kate!

What was she doing here? The last she heard, Kate had gone off to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and hadn't been heard from since. Now she was here, sleeping on her couch and her father was nowhere to be seen. Had something happened to him? Was that why was Kate here? Waiting for her to get home? No, that couldn't be right. Dad didn't even know she was coming home, it was meant to be a surprise. So where was he? If Kate was here, he couldn't be too far away. She turned to look towards her father's study; from there he would have a perfect view of Kate on the couch. Nope not there, but Alexis decided to investigate further.

She entered his study and looked around. When her father was having trouble writing he would use any device necessary to get unstuck. Alexis had once found him lying on his back with his feet up on the couch. Apparently having his legs elevated got the writing juices flowing. He wasn't on the floor or even under his desk, another writer's block writing position. Alexis placed a hand on top of his closed laptop to see if it was warm. It was cold; he hadn't been writing recently. As she lifted her hand off the computer she noticed there was dust on her fingers. Dust! Alexis wiped her dirty hand on her pant leg. There was dust on her father's computer. He hadn't been writing and by the look of it, for quite some time.

Crossing the room she entered his bedroom and was met with the total opposite of what she had seen in his study. Where it looked like he hadn't been in his study for a month, it looked like he had spent the entire time in his room. There were clothes strewn all over the place along with empty bottles of alcohol and numerous food wrappers. His bed was a mess, with his sheets and pillows in disarray and obviously still the sheets from a month ago. Alexis scrunched her nose up as she noticed the putrid smell of the room. What had been going on while she was away? Walking up to the door that led to her father's bathroom, she noticed the light was on. Alexis hoped he was in there and had just showered. Knocking on the door, she listened for a response. Silence. Knocking again, she opened the door slightly.

"Dad, are you in there? It's Alexis."

Still hearing silence Alexis scrunched her eyes closed as she opened the door further and stuck her head though the opening.

"Dad."

Opening her eyes cautiously Alexis looked around the room. Still no Dad. Frowning, Alexis walked back to the sleeping Kate on the couch to get some answers. Kneeling on the ground Alexis placed a hand gently on Kate's shoulder. Kate was still recovering and since she had been shot in the chest Alexis wanted to be careful with her injuries.

"Kate."

"Mmmm."

Alexis tried again. "Kate, can you wake up please?"

This time the detective murmured something unintelligible but rolled her head and shoulders a few times before opening her eyes. A smile rose to her lips.

"Hey Alexis."

Kate's sleepy eyes suddenly shot open wide.

"Alexis!"

The detective immediately shot up from the couch, then suddenly grabbed at her side and doubled over.

"Owww."

"Kate, are you ok?" Alexis sat on the couch next to Kate. "I am sorry. I tried to wake you as gently as possible."

"Are you ok, Alexis?"

Alexis frowned. "Me? You're the one who is recovering from being shot."

Kate lifted her head and rubbed her hand over her chest a few times. "You were supposed to be with your mother. Is everything ok?"

Alexis's brows rose. Kate had been shot, yet here she was worried that something had happened because she had returned to her mother's early.

"I'm fine. I just had enough of LA. I decided to come home and see my dad. Where is he by the way?"

Kate frowned as she looked around the room and then looked at the watch on her wrist.

"Oh he is at an AA meeting with my dad. It's meant to finish at 7:00pm."

"I am sorry. I didn't know your dad had started drinking again."

Alexis was suddenly concerned Kate seemed to get nervous.

Kate bit her lip; she wasn't quite sure how to address this. Alexis however was almost an adult and often more mature than Castle. "He hasn't; yours has."

Alexis opened her mouth to comment then closed it as her shoulders sagged.

"I thought maybe he had, but I didn't realise it had gotten bad enough for him to go to AA."

Kate shrugged. "I don't know that it is."

"I don't understand. Why is he at AA then and why with your dad?" Alexis asked curiously.

Kate slowly ran a hand through her tangled hair.

"My father came here to talk to Rick."

Alexis's brows rose. Rick. Rick! Since when did Kate call her father Rick?

"Your father was drunk when he answered the door. Saw my father, yelled at him and then threw up."

Alexis's eyes opened wide. "Dad's normally not like that. He drinks occasionally but not to the point of throwing up. Your dad must have been mortified."

Kate shook her head. "According to Rick, Dad took it in his stride. Closed the door, cleaned up the vomit and then set about sobering your father up."

Alexis thought over the information she had been given. Her father had been drinking; his slightly slurred speech during the conversations had been a bit of a giveaway. He had assured her he was fine and Alexis had allowed him to get away with his lie. She knew Kate leaving had hurt him hard but he had always dwelt with pain sensibly. He wrote! And sometimes he wrote and drank. If she had known it had gotten this bad she would have returned sooner. Thankfully Jim Beckett had arrived for some unknown reason and seen that her father needed help. There was still one question that needed to be answered.

"If they are at an AA meeting, why are you here? The last I heard you were hiding out in the woods."

"I wasn't hiding," Kate snapped. Seeing the young woman recoil, Kate suddenly felt bad. "I mean, I was healing."'

Alexis frowned. "You couldn't heal here in New York."

Kate shook her head. "No, there is just too..."

Kate ran both hands through her hair and kept them there cupping her scalp. Her shoulders began to rise and fall and Alexis realised she was getting distressed.

"Ok, so you had to get away from the city. That's fine. But why cease all communication with your friends?"

Kate lowered her hands. "I figured if they knew I was ok, that would be enough. I didn't think they would care about my day-to-day struggles."

Alexis stood up; she had to distance herself from Kate.

"Not care. Not care! Your friends put their life on the line for you." Alexis turned her back on the woman. She couldn't handle to look at someone who was talking nonsense. "How could you think they don't care? Detectives Ryan and Esposito have backed you up with your mothers case when they didn't have to. Lanie kept giving you CPR when the paramedics wanted to take over for fear if she stopped you would die. And my dad. My dad tried to jump in front of a bullet for you Kate. He just doesn't care about you, he loves you."

Kate was surprised by the girl's outburst. Martha was over the top, Castle was outlandish; Alexis was the quiet one. To hear her rage emphasised to Kate how badly she had acted. Kate knew she needed to make amends and it would be starting with Castle's daughter.

"Alexis," she called out to the woman as she stood.

The young woman swung around with a shocked look on her face. "I.. Ummm," she stammered. "What I mean is that, Dad cares for you and loves you like, a.. Ummm..."

Kate smiled. She hadn't realised at the time but Alexis had said Castle loved her. Something Kate already knew, but obviously Alexis didn't know that. Taking a step towards Alexis, Kate held up her hand to halt the young woman's speech.

"It's ok Alexis. I know he loves me, and I love him."

Alexis face blanched. "You do?"

Kate nodded. "I have for a while. I have just been too stupid to realise it."

Alexis seemed to be mulling over this new information. "And Dad knows this?"

Kate nodded.

Alexis bit her lip. "So is that why you are here? You came to tell Dad how you feel?"

Kate lowered her head as she sighed. "No, I was still being stupid. Thankfully both our dads like to disobey orders."

Alexis frowned at that.

"I told my dad not to tell anyone where the cabin was," Kate explained. "Once he realised I wasn't contacting any of my friends he gave Rick directions to the cabin. I told Rick I needed space and I would contact him. For once I am glad he didn't listen to me."

Alexis smiled. "Well make sure he knows it was a one-time thing, otherwise he will be breaking rules all the time."

Kate laughed. "Oh, I know. I asked him to set my alarm on my phone so I would wake up at 6:30. I just wanted to take a short nap."

Alexis nodded at her and then there was an awkward silence.

"So you're in love with Dad but what does that mean, exactly? I realise you are here but are you together or..."

Alexis left the sentence open and Kate knew it was up to her to close it. Kate knew at some point she would have to face Rick's daughter but she figured he would be there with her. Yes, she could wait until he came home but maybe it was better if it was just the two of them.

"Why don't we sit?"

Kate walked back to the couch she had been sleeping on only minutes earlier and sat down.

"If you're going to tell me it's complicated Kate…."

"No." Kate quickly interrupted Alexis. "It's not complicated. The only thing complicated were all my excuses for not being with your father."

Alexis didn't respond but took a seat next to Kate.

"I needed to get away from the city," she told the young woman. "There were just too many bad memories here. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of happy ones, too, but the bad ones were fresh in my mind. I needed to get away before I started to hate this city. I just needed to get some space to clear my head. I needed to think about where my life was going, what I was doing to it. What I was doing to my friends. I put all their lives in danger because I was so focused on the past. Except once I got to the cabin, I didn't think. I didn't do anything. I just gave up on the world much like I did when my mother died. I discovered your father's novels not long after my mother died and I crept into that world of whimsy so I could escape my own. I did the same thing at the cabin. Except this time reading them wasn't enough."

Alexis placed her hand on Kate's knee. "We understood you needed to get away, Kate. No one is faulting that."

"But they should have. Getting away is one thing, hiding is another."

"But you're here," Alexis added hopefully.

Beckett nodded. "For now. It's not easy being back here but I am going to try, for your father. He needs me. "

"So you're doing this out of guilt. Because you think you owe him?"

Beckett sighed. "Yes. No," she shrugged. "Your father has always been there for me whether I wanted him to be or not. He often left his family, his life, in order to be with me, to help me. I want him to know how much that means to me. He needs to be here, for work, for his family. If this is where he needs to be then this is where I need to be."

Alexis seemed to be satisfied with her explanation as she was nodding at her.

"But I am also here for me, too," Beckett told the young woman who was much wiser than her age gave her credit for. "I had to return eventually and the longer I left it the harder it would be. I realised it doesn't have to be hard. I have friends and family and your father to help me through it. Rick has asked me to stay here for a few weeks and I have agreed. It's just until I get back on my feet, until I feel comfortable back in the city. It's also for Rick, too. I think he needs constant reassurance that I am ok. As long as that's ok with you?"

Alexis narrowed her eyes at her, then smiled. "You don't need my permission. It's Dad's house."

Beckett shrugged. "Still, I'd like for you to be ok with it. Suddenly there is a woman sleeping down the hall from you."

Alexis frowned. "Down the hall? You mean down stairs, right?"

Beckett bit her lip and lowered her head. "No. Rick insisted I have my own room."

Alexis laughed. "That's ridiculous. You two are a couple now; there is no reason why you shouldn't be sharing a bed. Although I've seen Dad's room. Maybe the two of you should be staying in the guest room."

High pitch music cut the conversation short. Beckett's phone on the coffee table had lit up and even from the angle she was sitting at Beckett could see it was Castle calling.

"Speak of the devil. It's your dad. Do you want to talk to him?"

Alexis reached for the phone but then handed it to Beckett.

"No, you talk to him first. I was hoping to surprise him when I got home. I guess on the phone will have to do."

Beckett bit her lip as she answered the phone. She hadn't been one for talking on the ride to the city. It didn't matter, though, because Castle was her own personal radio. She swore that man could talk underwater with a mouth full of marbles. However his talking had been nice. He talked of his mother and Alexis and the fun times they had shared. Including the time where Alexis had hid under his bed all night on Halloween. He would just drift off to sleep when he would feel something touch his leg, or hear footsteps or howling. It had been one of the many times the pair had tried to scare each other. Beckett didn't want to stop that tradition.

"Hey, Rick."

"Hey, Kate. I didn't wake you, did I?" The concern in his voice was obvious but Beckett couldn't help but toy with him.

"No, I was awake. My alarm woke me up half an hour ago."

"But I didn't set your alarm."

Kate smirked. "Really. Even after I told you to."

"Ahhh…wellll…I…I…I..."

Beckett laughed. She got him there. "It's fine, Rick. How did the meeting go?"

She heard him sigh. "Yeah. It was good. I learned a lot. I might come to another in a month or so. It's not just drinking that's the problem. It's what it does to the families, physically, emotionally and financially. I want to do something to help with that. I know I can't save everybody but I can try."

Beckett felt as if her heart had just expanded two inches. When she thought she couldn't love this man any more, he went and said something that blew her mind away. He was struggling with his own issues and yet he wanted to help others.

"I'll help if I can," she told honestly.

"Thanks. You hungry?" he asked, changing the subject.

Beckett nodded. "Yeah, I could eat."

"Ok, I am about to stop and grab some Chinese for the three of us then. That sound ok?"

It had been ages since she had any Chinese. The thought had her mouth watering. She then looked up at Alexis sitting next to her. She pointed at the young woman and then rolled her wrist a few times near her mouth, silently asking if she wanted to eat. Alexis nodded and then opened her mouth but Kate silenced her with a raised hand.

"You know what, Rick? Chinese sounds great and I have changed my mind. I am starving. I feel like I could eat enough for two people."

Alexis gave her a curious smile.

"Good, you're getting your appetite back," Rick told her. "I always buy enough for six people, so don't worry there will be plenty."

"Ok, sounds great. See you soon."

Beckett saw Alexis's mouth open wide in protest as she hung up on Rick.

"No reason why you still can't surprise him."

The annoyance left the younger woman's face as she smiled. "Thank you, Kate."

Kate nodded as she stood. "Would it be ok if I went and re-familiarised myself with your kitchen again? Thought I might set the table for dinner. I don't want to be a burden while I am here. Rick really needs to work and I don't want him stopping so he can wait on me hand and foot."

Alexis nodded at her. "Sure. I'll just go and put my stuff away."

Beckett watched as Alexis walked off. She had never been in a relationship with someone who had a kid before. Not that Alexis was a kid anymore, she was practically an adult. It was still another person to consider in their relationship, though. Turning up to Castle's loft wearing a coat and nothing else wasn't really possible unless she knew for sure Alexis wasn't there. Or Martha. Although Kate had a feeling Martha would encourage that kind of behaviour.

As Kate made her way over to the kitchen she marvelled at how comfortable she felt within these walls. Returning to the cabin after being away for so many had felt strange. It was almost as if she were walking into a foreign place. Not here, though. From the first moment she had walked through the doorway all those years ago she felt welcomed. At first she had been in awe of the place. It certainly wasn't what she had been expecting from the playboy author. It was normal, at least on face value.

Beckett walked over to the large kitchen and took a deep breath in as she smiled. It was a great space. Large and spread out, a great place to cook in. When she stayed here after her apartment had blown up she had great joy in cooking breakfast for his family. It was a nice memory and maybe one she could recreate again.

Taking her time Beckett opened up cupboards and drawers. Beckett observed that the plates had been moved since the last time she was here but the glasses were still in the same place. A few more cooking gadgets had found their way into the 'gadget' cupboard as Castle had labeled it.

Pulling out the items she needed she took them over to the table. Normally when they ate Chinese they simply ate out of the boxes taking turns with all the different food. She didn't think her father would be all that enthused about sharing each other's germs; Alexis either. Looking at the four place settings sadness swept over her. When was the last time she had sat down to dinner like this? Meals at the precinct didn't count. Ryan had suggested they all come over to his and Jenny's place one night but so far that hadn't happened yet.

Meals with her mother and father were probably the last time she sat down and ate on a regular basis. It was so long ago now the memories were back in the deep depths of her mind. Her mother had worked long hours and often missed meals but when she was home and had time to cook, the meals were amazing. She had the best recipes and didn't mind sharing them with friends and family.

Beckett bit her lip as she looked back towards the gourmet kitchen. She had loved cooking in the kitchen with her mother and knew almost all her recipes by heart. Walking back over to the kitchen Beckett opened a drawer and pulled out a pad of paper and pen. She immediately started writing down ingredients she knew she needed. Opening the fridge she cringed at the lack of items inside but knew her own fridge at home would be the same if she hadn't been away. Thankfully Castle had stopped on the way back and grabbed a few items like milk, bread, cheese, eggs and soda. Apart from a few condiments, one which looked a bit on the bad side, the fridge was bare. Closing the fridge Beckett noted down a few more items before heading over to the pantry. A light turned on as she opened the door illuminating the contents. She had no doubt Castle had fun with that when he found that in his home. Or maybe he had gotten it installed himself. The pantry was a lot healthier looking then the fridge. The basics were there much like they had been in the cabin but seemed to be devoid of any baking necessities, apart from flour. Flipping over the note pad to another page Beckett added to her list. And added, and added. She only had a few weeks but she had a lot of recipes she wanted to try out.

"Well, that took a lot longer than I thought it would. Dad left a tree in my bed."

Beckett's eyes widened as she turned around to look at Alexis.

"A tree?"

Alexis shrugged. "Well, it was more of a branch. I had to clean that up and then change my sheets," she said laughing.

Beckett nodded at her before returning to her note pad and adding the last few items on the list.

"What are you doing?"

Beckett looked up from her list. "Oh I figured I'd better earn my keep while I am here. There is nothing in the fridge so I decided to make a shopping list."

"You don't need to earn you keep," the younger woman told her. "And we can order in."

Beckett shrugged. "Oh I realise that. It's just my mom loved to cook and I had fun doing it with her. I was starting to go crazy at the cabin with nothing to do; I thought cooking might entertain me. It's been ages since I have had anyone to cook for apart from when I made your family breakfast that one time. My mom had all these amazing recipes and it's been so long since I have made any of them. The food was amazing and she always made enough so we could go back for seconds. I tried to halve her recipes but they never seemed to turn out right. It's also really hard to buy ingredients if you aren't making it for 4 or more people. I wouldn't need to use a whole jar of sauce but I'd have to buy one. I'd put it in the fridge thinking I'd use it for something else but I never did."

Beckett suddenly realised that Alexis was observing her curiously.

Beckett bit her lip. "That is, if it's ok that I take over your kitchen."

Alexis nodded and smiled. "You want to make your mother's meals for us?"

Kate smiled. Alexis hadn't said meal, she had said her mother's meals. Alexis obviously understood how important her mother was to her and sharing her recipes was a big thing.

"Yeah," she told Alexis.

"Thank you. Meal times around here are a bit all over the place. We don't normally have set meal time simply because we have never really had anyone here to cook. At least regularly. "

Beckett nodded. She understood her own hectic schedule and how Castle had been living that the last few years. She also imagined once he got writing he probably forgot about little things like eating.

"Well, I could always make the food and put it in the fridge or freezer for later."

"No," Alexis told her earnestly. "If we have to be home by a certain time to eat because there is someone here cooking for us, then we will be. It would be nice to sit around a dinner table and eat like a normal family."

Beckett heart clenched. Family. For so long she had felt lost because her family had been torn apart. Never did she think she could be the one to bring a family together. Yet doing something as simple as cooking would bring Castle family together for a meal. Once again she could create memories of sitting around a table eating dinner. The family dynamic would be different. She wouldn't be the child sitting down watching her mother and father interact. Yet there would be a child at the table, Alexis. A father would be there. Rick. Whenever Martha returned there would be a mother. Tonight her father would be there but maybe she could ask him to dinner another time, too. These people could be her strength, her solid ground. She could provide them with love by providing them with nourishment.

"I kid you not. Kate slipped on a banana peel while running after a suspect that had just climbed out of a dumpster."

Alexis and Kate exchanged shocked glances as Rick's muffled voice could be heard.

"Scary or happy surprise?" Beckett asked Alexis quickly.

Alexis frowned. "What?"

"Do you want to surprise your dad in a happy way or a scary way?"

"Scary" Alexis replied quickly as they heard the key in the door.

"Then hide," Beckett tried to shoo the young woman away.

"B…B…But..." Alexis stammered as she looked around the room.

"I'll figure it out," Beckett told her as Alexis dashed away into her father's study.

"Then there was the time..."

"I think you have shared enough stories, Castle," Kate told the man as he entered the loft, hands laden with bags of food.

Castle looked at her guiltily. "Hi, Kate."

"Hey," she greeted him as she walked over and placed a chaste kiss to his cheek. She marveled over the fact that she could do that now. So many times she had wanted to kiss him or hug him for doing something nice or sweet for her. Now she could, whenever she wanted to.

Castle gave her one of his smiles that could melt Antarctica. It was obvious he also liked the fact that she could kiss him whenever she wanted.

"I set the table," she informed him, pointing in the direction of the place where new memories were about to be created.

Ricked scolded her, "You were supposed to be resting."

Beckett shrugged. "We talked about this. I stay until I get back on my feet. I can't do that if I never get on my feet." It had been one of the few things they had discussed on the way home. She would stay here on the condition he let her breathe. Allowed her to do her own thing while she recovered, both physically and emotionally. Tomorrow they were going to go to her apartment to gather a few more items of clothes. The last few memories there weren't happy ones and she was hoping Castle would help her make new ones. It would definitely help once she returned there.

"Let Rick spoil you for once, Katie."

Beckett smiled at her father. "He already spoils me too much, Dad."

Beckett leaned in and gave her father a kiss on the cheek. He seemed surprised by this gesture. Although they had been close when she was younger her mother's death had caused them to drift apart. Remembering sharing their nightly meals together had caused her to want to recreate the relationship they once had. She wanted the father- daughter relationship that Castle had with Alexis.

Alexis!

Damn. She was hiding in Castles study and Beckett had to somehow get him in there. At the moment Castle had walked over to the table and was unloading the food. Thankfully he hadn't noticed she had set it for four.

"Rick. My dad is a bit cold. Could he borrow a jacket from you?"

Castle looked up her surprised. "Umm, yeah sure."

"Katie, I'm fine."

Beckett turned to look at her father and crossed her eyes.

"Dad, I don't want to catch a cold."

He narrowed his eyes at her for a few seconds before a smile appeared on his face.

"Ok, sweetie."

Great. Now she had to get Castle to go and get it.

"Ok, I'll go get you one."

Rick held up his hand to stop her.

"No, I'll get it."

Becket smiled. Good old predictable Rick. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she quickly unlocked it and fired up the ap she needed. As quickly and as inconspicuously as she could Beckett followed behind Castle. She stopped when she got a good distance from where she hoped the action would be. Castle entered his study.

"Boo."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Beckett tried to hold her phone still with one hand but it was hard as she was trying to stop herself from laughing.

Castle had stumbled back against his book shelves that created a wall and was currently clutching at his chest.

"Whhhhhaaaaa….?"

Alexis's laugh could be heard before the redhead appeared in the doorway.

"Oh Dad, you should see your face."

"Alexis!" Castle gasped before engulfing his daughter in a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching you pee your pants," she informed him as she squeezed him tight before squirming out of the hug. "You should have seen your face Dad, it was priceless."

Beckett tapped her phone before holding it up. "I wouldn't say priceless, exactly. But I think this could be worth quite a bit if we threatened to post it on the internet."

Alexis's eyes widened as the young woman walked over to Beckett. "You got it on video."

Beckett nodded as she pressed play. Together Alexis and Beckett huddled over the small screen as they watched Castle enter his study. When his girly scream filled the room Beckett and Alexis burst into giggles.

"Thank you."

Beckett looked up at Alexis. She saw the look in the young woman's eyes. It was more than a thank you, it was one of acknowledgment. Alexis understood that Kate wouldn't be against her relationship with her father; she would support it.

"I can't believe the two of you ganged up on me," Castle said coming forward, still running a hand over his chest. "And you," Castle pointed at Jim. "You were in on it."

Jim shook his head as he came over to join them. "I didn't know what was going on. Katie just gave me one of our secret looks so I played along."

Castle's mouth dropped open. "You have a secret look." He then frowned and looked at Alexis. "How come we don't have a secret look?"

Alexis shook her head. "Because Gram and I have one. Except it's more just us raising our eyebrows at your latest hair-brained scheme."

Castle opened his mouth to protest then nodded. He had seen that look on more than one occasion. He looked at people before him. Father, daughter, father daughter. Kate's father was joining them for dinner with himself and his daughter. This would be interesting.

"Let's eat!

**Authors Note. Sorry for the delay. Life, you know. So please leave a review and tell me what you thought. Also any ideas you may have feel free to voice them. Also if you haven't already, check out my recent one shot. Following Orders**

**Thanks**


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hey everyone. So… Sorry it's been a while since I have updated. With Christmas and other dramas my Beta LittleLizizeZentara and I have been quite busy including writing other stories. We were writing Christmas stories and stories as Christmas presents for other people. So if you are after some good stories to read, check out Lizzie's stories. _**A dragon for Christmas **_, _** Bachelor Auction **_ and _**Just a Christmas Kiss. **_ Or mine,__ _**His Love, Her Joy **_, _**Jellybean Situations**_, _**Behind Closed Doors **_ and _**She's Different **_, if you haven't already. Thanks. Now on with the show.

* * *

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 9_

Beckett sat across from the precinct simply watching the comings and goings. She practically had a panic attack just looking at the place and had chosen to sit on a bench rather than go in. It had been three days since she had returned to New York City. Yesterday she had tackled her apartment. Rick had seemed surprised that she had hugged him as soon as they walked in the door. It had been part of her self-imposed therapy, though. The last memories of him being there weren't happy ones and she didn't want that sticking in her mind. So she had held him. It had felt so strange to feel relaxed in her apartment. When she returned to live there she knew she would be ok.

She wasn't so sure about today, though. It was time she faced her friends. Rick had wanted to come with her but he got a call from Gina. Even though the phone hadn't been on loud speaker Beckett could clearly hear Gina talking. Beckett had encouraged him to go to Black Pawn today to sort things out. She would be ok without him. Well not really, but this was something she had to do.

Lanie, Ryan and Esposito were her work colleges but, more importantly, they were her friends. Alexis had told her Lanie continued to give her CPR when the paramedics had arrived. She hadn't known that. No one had gone into depth about the events that occurred after she had been shot. Honestly, she hadn't really wanted to know.

Beckett's phone beeped and she looked down to see it was a message from Karpowski. While sitting on the bench for well over two hours Beckett had seen many officers come and go. In her disguise of sunglasses from Alexis and baseball cap from Castle, she had been unrecognisable to the officers who had walked by. Except Karpowski. The detective had walked past, stopped and then turned around and came back. She sat and talked briefly before promising not to tell anyone else Kate was out there but would text if Ryan and Esposito were on the move. Lunch was their destination, apparently. Beckett got up and as quickly as she could strode across the street. Lunch would be a better place to confront them instead of inside the precinct.

Keeping her head down, Beckett tried not to catch the eye of anyone she knew. She needed to confront her friends before she made the leap back to the precinct.

"I am not eating sushi," Ryan told Esposito as he exited the building. "I got sick last time."

"We are not going to the same place as last time," Esposito said, shaking his head.

"How about Chinese?" Ryan offered up instead.

"What about Remy's, my treat?" Beckett threw out to the detectives who had clearly not recognised her as they walked straight by.

Ryan and Esposito turned to look at her curiously. Beckett nervously removed her sunglasses and looked at her partners.

"Hey."

Ryan's eyes widened as he launched himself at her. Beckett was surprised to find Ryan arms around her but reveled in the feeling.

"It's great to see you, Beckett." Ryan pulled away from her but still kept an arm around her waist. "You look really good."

Beckett smiled at him. "Thanks."

She then looked up at Esposito, who still hadn't moved.

Ryan followed her gaze. "Javi, it's Kate. What are you doing, man?"

Esposito glared at his partner. "I know it is. I am just waiting for you to stop strangling her so I can say hello."

Ryan let go of Beckett as Esposito sauntered over.

When Esposito leaned forward and gave her a one armed 'bro' hug Beckett was almost disappointed. It's not like they were a hugging group but it almost felt like a rejection.

"It's good to see you. Starting to think you disappeared off the face of the universe."

Guilt swept over Beckett. "Umm yeah, that's why I am here. Can I buy you lunch? Explain what's been going on." She looked nervously between her two partners.

Ryan was smiling at her and nodding but Esposito was looking at her wearily. Without a word he turned and walked off in the direction of Remy's.

Ryan looked at her and shrugged.

"It's ok, Ryan. I expected this."

Ryan and Beckett followed Esposito to Remy's idly chatting about her injury and recovery. It wasn't until they were seated at the diner, burger and fries in front of them that Beckett addressed the white elephant in the room.

"Look guys, I came to see you today because I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I haven't contacted you."

"No problem," Ryan told her elbowing Esposito but the other detective stayed silent.

"No Ryan, it's not ok. You guys are not just my colleagues; you're my friends, too. It was wrong of me to shut you out. You have always had my back and I feel as if I have let you both down. I needed to get away to think but in the end I just wallowed in self- pity. I thought if you knew that I was alive that would be enough."

"Yeah well, it wasn't," Esposito snapped at her.

Beckett nodded and looked down at the burger in her hands.

"I know, Javi, and I am sorry. When my mother died a lot of my friends bailed on me. I am not blameless in that, I know. I couldn't have been much of a friend to them at the time, but the pain still hurts. I have tried not to get close to people because I am afraid they will up and leave me. I kept trying to pigeonhole both of you and Lanie as work colleagues that I got along with really well. But that was wrong. You're my friends and I did to you what happened to me. I abandoned you guys."

"Damn right you did!" Esposito fired up.

"Javi." Ryan placed a hand on his partners shoulder trying to get him to calm down.

Esposito pushed Ryan's hand away. "No, she needs know. You got it wrong, Beckett. We are not your friends; we are your family. You're like the little sister I never had. I'd do anything for you and you pay us back by up and leaving. "

Beckett nodded. Javi was right. "I know and I am sorry. I was just going through some stuff and..."

"We were all going through some stuff, Beckett." Esposito pointed his finger at the three of them. "We all lost Montgomery; we were all hurting. Then we see you get shot at his funeral. We didn't know if you were dead or alive. We didn't know if we were going to have to attend another funeral or not. But you wake up and you're ok. Then you disappear. So you might as well have been dead to us."

Beckett ran a hand over her chest as Esposito's words hit her hard. He was always the strong one in the group. Both physically and emotionally. Hearing him talk about his own struggles really hit deep. The torment she had unknowingly caused her friends. Beckett looked over at Ryan who was toying with his fries. Even though he had tried to stop Esposito's rant it was clear in his eyes he agreed. Looking down at her uneaten burger, she surmised it might have been better to eat first and then discuss the past months. Beckett swallowed deeply and nodded at her partner.

"I don't know what to say, Javi. I made a mistake and I am sorry. I am so grateful for all you have done. I know there is probably nothing I can do to make it up to you..."

"Have you talked to Lanie?"

Beckett narrowed her eyes at the man before her. Lanie. Had Javi's anger been partly his and partly on behalf of his girlfriend?

"She's working at the moment. I found out she gets off at 5:00pm. I was going to see her then."

"Why wait?" Esposito asked.

Esposito had a point. Why wait. Simple. She was scared. The truth was, facing Lanie was going to be the hardest. Lanie had been the one who had called her father to find out how she was. She was the one who cared most and she would be harder to face her than Esposito. Beckett pushed her plate forward and stood up.

"You're right. I shouldn't wait."

Beckett pulled money out of her pocket and dropped it on the table.

"I am going to go see Lanie, but I will call you guys soon. I promise."

Beckett stood up and walked out of the diner.

"Beckett."

Beckett turned to see that Esposito had chased her out of the diner.

"She's hurting, ok?"

Beckett nodded.

"I am glad you're ok."

Beckett smiled. His words were like an apology. An apology she really didn't deserve.

"Thanks, Javi."

Esposito pointed back to the dinner. "I better get back in there. Ryan was eyeing off your burger before I left. I think Jenny has got him on another diet."

Beckett leaned in and gave him a brief hug which he returned. "I'll call you soon."

Releasing him, Beckett walked off in the direction of the morgue. She had put off speaking to Lanie. It was going to be hard to face her friend. What did she say? I'm sorry wasn't enough. The things she had said to Rick, Javi and Kevin were different to what she needed to say to Lanie.

Lanie. Lanie. Lanie.

What did she say to the person who had kept her alive?

Making her way to the morgue Beckett peaked in and saw Lanie sliding a body away into the wall. Taking a deep breath she made her way inside the room.

"I'll be with you in one second," Lanie told her, not looking up.

"Hey, Lanie."

The M.E looked up surprised and quickly shucked her gloves as she made her way towards her.

"Kate."

Beckett was enveloped in a bone crushing hug.

"Girl, I have missed you."

Beckett sighed. She didn't realise until then how much she had missed Lanie.

"I missed you, too."

Beckett suddenly felt herself being almost violently pushed out of Lanie's arms.

"Where the hell have you been, girl? I have been calling you and texting you and you have just been ignoring my calls. I finally had to call your father to find out how you were."

"I know, Lanie, and I am sorry."

"Sorry. You're sorry; is that all you have to say to me? You disappear for a month barely saying a word and all you can say is sorry?"

Lanie turned away from her and walked over to her desk and began shuffling folders.

"Lanie, look I am sorry, ok? I was dealing with some things."

"Oh, like you were the only one. Do you have any idea what I have been going through since you were shot? Do you know I can't sleep at night? I keep dreaming about you being shot."

Beckett gulped. It seemed nightmares were something a lot of people were suffering from, all thanks to her.

"It's the same every night. Castle screams out, there is the sound of a gunshot and the next second I am kissing the dirt. Do you know Javi shoved me into the grass and wouldn't let me up? All I wanted to do was to get to you, to make sure you were ok. He wouldn't let me. Javi just kept holding me down in the dirt until he was sure it was clear. As soon as it was safe I pushed him away and run to you and there you were dead in Castle's arms. He is crying and holding you tight and I had to get Javi to pull him away from you so I could start CPR."

"It's just a dream, Lanie."

"It's not a dream, Kate; that's what really happened. You were dead. Castle was crying and I was giving you CPR. He wouldn't leave your side, Kate, just like I wouldn't. I rode the gurney all the way to the ER and Castle was chasing us the whole time. I finally had to get off and Caste and I stood there and watched as they wheeled you away from us. Your blood was pouring out all over the floor, Kate. The wheels of the gurney were covered in your blood and it created a path straight to the E.R. Castle and I stood there just looking at your blood."

Beckett blanched as the story of what happened after it all went black for her was forced into her mind.

"Lanie…."

"I am not finished," the M.E. snapped. "We all sat around the hospital waiting to hear how you were. Me, Javi, Kevin, your dad, Castle, Martha, Alexis. All there for you. Sitting, standing, it didn't matter. We were all there together dressed in black as if we were attending your funeral. Then your jackass of a boyfriend comes out, blames Castle for the whole mess and then shoves him."

Beckett frowned. "Josh did what?"

"Your boyfriend told Castle it was his fault you got shot. He blamed Castle and then he shoved him into the wall. Poor Alexis tried to defend him and we had to hold her back."

Beckett was shocked. She hadn't known Josh and Castle had a fight. Neither of them had said anything about it. And Alexis. Alexis had stood up to Josh.

"She's a teenager and she had to defend her father against your idiot of a boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend."

Lanie's eyes narrowed at her. "What?"

Beckett sighed. "I broke up with Josh. I liked him but I didn't love him. I didn't know what he did to Rick or that Alexis had to defend her father. Lanie, I didn't know any of what you had just told me and the truth is I didn't want to know at the time. I was dealing with so many things. I didn't even think about what everyone else was going through. I was just so focused on my mother's case I couldn't see anything else. And I am sorry, Lanie. I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't call you and I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I was a terrible friend."

Beckett felt tears prick in her eyes.

"Yes, you were."

Beckett lowered her head as the first tears trickled out of her eyes.

"I am sorry, Lanie. I know those words probably mean nothing to you but I am sorry. If you're willing to give me a chance I promise you I will never shut you out like that again."

Beckett lifted her head as she heard footsteps. Lanie had left her position at her desk and had walked over to her.

"Kate."

Beckett sniffed back the tears and nodded.

"You ever do that to me again and I will smack you."

A smile twitched to Beckett's lips. "I think there is a long line of people wanting to do that."

"Mmmhhhhm, and I am at the very beginning of that line."

Beckett didn't doubt that all. "So are we still friends?"\

Lanie shrugged. "Well, I don't know. I already started auditioning for a new best friend."

Beckett laughed. "Well maybe if I told you some good news that would make me the front runner."

Lanie smile at her. "What news?"

"Well..."

Beckett's speech was halted when Lanie's phone stared to ring. Lanie looked at her then at her phone.

"I am sorry Kate, I gotta get this."

Beckett nodded as her friend walked over to the phone. Even with only hearing half of the conversation Beckett knew Lanie had to go. She was working, after all. Lanie put down the phone.

"I am sorry, Kate."

Beckett shook her head. "No Lanie, it's fine."

"We will talk soon. No running off again, ok?"

Beckett nodded. "No running off."

* * *

Authors Note: So, your thoughts?


	10. Chapter 10

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 10_

Beckett lay on the couch with her eyes closed, but she wasn't asleep. The day had been trying and she needed a few moments just to lie down and relax. Castle had been urging her to keep up her 'napping' routine, but she had refused. She had been sleeping better at night now and getting to bed a decent hour. The naps weren't necessary, but today she just needed to lie down for a bit.

She had spoken to her friends and by some miracle they were going to give her another chance. A chance she knew she didn't deserve but one she wasn't going to take for granted. Telling them about her relationship with Castle would have to wait and maybe that was better. Her friends had been hurting. Now that things were a bit better she could share her joyous news.

Beckett sighed. Even though she had confronted everyone she now realised there were a few people she needed to talk things through again. She hadn't had all the information the first time. Now that she knew, she needed to rectify the wrong doing. Keeping quite had caused problems.

Hearing the door to the loft open, Beckett carefully sat up. She had learned from the past that sitting up quickly was one of the worst things to aggravate her wound.

"Oh darling it smells divine in here."

A smile broke out on Beckett's face at the sound of the familiar voice she hadn't heard in a while.

"I told you Grams. Kate is an amazing cook."

Beckett pushed herself up off the couch.

"Martha. I didn't realise you were coming home."

Beckett walked over to the older woman who was flanked by two large suitcases.

"I wanted to surprise my son. Although it seems he has surprised me. Alexis just told me of your news. Congratulations."

Martha held her arms open wide and Beckett smiled at the welcomed site. She entered the woman's arms and felt her body relax at the touch. Beckett had never been a hugger and yet recently she seemed eager for them to occur.

"Grams be careful."

Martha pulled away from her and had an almost horrified look on her face.

"Oh Kate I am so sorry. Where is my head today?"

Beckett shook her head "No Martha, it fine. I need to be careful but I can handle hugs."

Martha patted her arm. "Well I am glad to see you looking so well."

"I hope you don't mind I told Gram about you and Dad."

Beckett smiled at Alexis. The younger woman was really making an effort to make her feel welcomed.

"It's fine Alexis. I haven't gotten around to telling Lanie and the guys yet but it's ok for your grandmother to know."

"So you didn't go and speak to them?" Alexis asked.

"Oh no I did, but it was a short conversation. Ryan was happy to see me but Esposito was a bit upset about the whole situation. I think a lot of that was to do with Lanie. So I left them and spoke to Lanie in the morgue. I had just finished grovelling when she got a call and had to leave. I was thinking of organising to get them all together and telling them about us then."

Alexis nodded at her.

"Lanie and Esposito did tell me a few things and I really need to talk to you about it. Well both of you actually."

"What is it Kate?" Martha wondered. "Is everything ok?"

Beckett shook her head. "No. I have behaved horribly over this whole incident. I really need to say thank you to the both of you."

Both redheads looked at each other before looking back at her.

"My dear, whatever for." Martha asked confused.

"Lanie told me that the two of you came to the hospital when I was shot. You both stayed ther. I realise it was to support Castle and I want you to know how much I appreciate you being there for him."

"Oh Kate," Martha said laughing. "We weren't just there for Richard, we were there for you too. No matter what your relationship was with my son, you are still very much a part of our family. We were there because we were worried about you."

Beckett felt her bottom lip quiver. She took a few deep breaths in trying to force back tears.

"Are you ok Kate," Alexis asked concerned.

Beckett nodded. "For so long I thought I had lost my family. That it was torn apart by my mother's death. I guess I am just starting to realise I still have a family; it's just a different kind."

"And that makes you cry."

Beckett nodded. "But it's happy tears Alexis. Your father welcomed me into his home and his life. You have no idea what it feels like to stand here in this warm loving home and hear your grandmother calling me family. It's just; it's something I haven't felt in a long time. Yet if I opened my eyes I would have seen I had a family all along."

"Of course you have dear. Come here." Martha ushered her forward with her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She then did the same to Alexis. "We may not be the most conventional family but we are here for each other."

Beckett looked at the two women. Martha was to her right and Alexis was straight ahead. They were linked by Martha's arms but all linked because of Castle. This was Castle's support system but by the way Martha was holding her she knew this was hers now too. Beckett looked up at Alexis; the young woman was giving her a comforting smile.

"I heard you tried to take on Josh at the hospital Alexis. That's very admirable."

Alexis shrugged. "He was attacking my dad."

Beckett nodded. No matter how big her opponent was, if they were attacking her family she'd stop at nothing to protect them. "I didn't know. I am sorry Josh did that. I am glad your father had you there to defend him."

Alexis smiled. "Family," she simply stated.

The door behind the three huddled woman opened. Beckett looked up and saw Castle enter.

"Hey. What's going on?" Castle looked over the three women. "Oh group hug. I got to get in on that."

Beckett watched as Castle dropped the things in his hands on top of Martha's suitcase before closing the circle. He wrapped one arm around his daughter's waist the other around hers.

"Ok team," he told them. "We only have a few seconds left on the clock and we are one point down. Mother, use your feminine wiles to distract the other team. The last time I threw a ball I broke a $2000 vase so it's all up to you, Kate and Alexis. I'll block the opponents with my big muscles while you two grab the ball and run. Ok."

"Big Muscles," Beckett scoffed.

"Dad, you're crazy if you think you could even make it onto any sports team."

Alexis pulled out of there group huddle so Beckett started to do the same.

"No wait" Castle told them while fishing his phone out of his pocket. "I want to capture this moment."

Castle held up his phone and quickly snapped off a picture of the three women. He looked down at it and smiled. "Beautiful. A new background for my computer."

"Richard," Martha said sternly, motioning him forward with her hand.

Castle sighed and handed his phone over to his mother. "She has a strict policy about us taking photos of her," he told Beckett. "If she doesn't approve of them we have to delete them."

Martha nodded. "The picture is nice darling, now come over here and give your mother a hug."

Castle took his phone back before hugging his mother. He squeezed her tight before letting go.

"Good to see you Mother. Why are you back so soon? I thought you were away for the summer."

"Well I was worried about you dear. I thought you were wallowing in self pity here on your own. Imagine my surprise when I see Alexis down stairs and she tells me the news about you and Kate."

Castle looked over at Beckett and smiled. Beckett reached over and linked her hand with his.

"Well this is only recent." Castle told his mother although he couldn't keep his eyes off of Beckett.

When Beckett looked away he realised it was because someone had cleared their throat.

"Who's hungry," Beckett asked. "I made a huge slab of Nonna's Lasagne. It's ready; I am just keeping it warm in the oven letting the edges crisp up at bit. That's my favourite part."

Castle released Beckett's hand. "Kate I told you. You don't have to cook."

"I know I don't have to but I wanted to."

Castle shook his head. "You are supposed to be resting."

Beckett put her hands on her hips. "I was resting before everyone came in."

"You should have been resting for longer."

Beckett sighed and rolled her eyes. "Castle the deal was I come and stay here as long as you don't coddle me. I am perfectly capable of making dinner. I like doing it, it makes me happy."

"It smells great Kate" Alexis offered up trying to defuse the situation. "Is Nonna an actual person you know or is that just the name of the recipe."

Kate turned her gaze on Alexis and smiled.

"Nonna is a real person. Nonna is Italian for Grandmother and I can't even remember her real name because that's what everyone called her. She was a walking stereotype. Short, with white hair. She wore black because she was a widow and was always telling everyone they needed to eat more. She moved in next door to my parents when I was about 9." Beckett smiled at the memory.

"She was originally from Ohio but both her kids had moved to New York and encouraged her to move when her husband died. Of course they were too busy to visit their mother so our neighbours were like her kids and grandkids to her. She was always babysitting and watering plants when people were away. And cooking. She was an amazing cook. Nonna loved to share her recipes to. She said 'everyone make different' so it didn't matter who knew her recipes as it would always taste different. She taught my mom and me to make her lasagne. It's not just your basic lasagne sheet, meat sauce and cheese. This lasagne is fully loaded. Each layer has meat sauce and cheese but also sliced up ham, salami, boiled egg, mushrooms, and black olives."

"Wow," Castle said at the ingredient list. By the sounds of it he really had been depraved in the lasagne department.

Beckett nodded at him. "Oh it's pretty special and tastes amazing. It's why I made a slab of it. It freezes great and tastes even better the next day. So who's hungry?"

A chorus of me's, had Beckett smiling.

"Richard. Why don't you take my bags upstairs?" Martha told her son.

"Sure mother," Castle then looked at Beckett. "Don't even think about offering to help."

The detective just smiled at him. "I'll just serve dinner up then."

He opened his mouth to protest but his mother's hand on his arm stopped him.

"I'll help her with dinner Richard, Alexis you help your father."

The suggestion was accepted by all. The four people went off in the own respective directions.

"I really don't need help," Beckett told Martha as she walked off towards the kitchen.

"Is this just some sort of summer fling?"

Beckett stopped as if she had just walked into an invisible wall. "Excuse me?" she asked as she turned to face Castle's mother.

"Is this just some sort of fling? You are off work, you're bored. Why not have a summer romance to pass the time."

Beckett's mouth gaped open in shock. "No Martha, this isn't some kind of fling. I am not using your son. He came to me, not the other way around. I was content to spend my summer hiding in my father's cabin. Rick offered me a future that I so desperately wanted but was too scared to take. He walked away from me and that's when I finally admitted how much I loved him. The future was still scary but so was a future without him."

Martha seemed to be assessing what she had just said before smiling. "It's not a fling for him either." Martha spoke. "If I didn't know his intention towards you before, I would certainly have realised it when I saw him look at you just now. I just wanted to check you were on board with it."

Beckett took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She never had any doubts about Castle but Martha's and Alexis's reactions had plagued her. Now she knew that although both were weary they seemed to be ok with the whole situation. Beckett nodded at Martha before going to retrieve the lasagne out of the oven.

"Martha please go sit down you have probably been travelling all day."

"I told my son I would help you."

Beckett struggled as she placed the large dish on a heat proof pad.

"I don't need help, at least not with this. I wouldn't have gone to the cabin on my own if I couldn't feed myself."

Martha stroked a hand down Beckett's arm. "You know he is only concerned for you. He still feels guilty over what happened."

Beckett sighed and hung her head down guiltily. "It wasn't his fault. I know he is only doing it because he cares but it's not necessary. I can't chase down killers at the moemnt but I can cook. I don't need to be coddled."

"Then why are you here?" Martha questioned. "It's obvious you can take care of yourself. You look okay to me."

Beckett bit her lip. "Well maybe I am not as ok as I claim. Coming back to the city was hard and I really needed Rick's support emotionally. I am here because Rick asked me to stay. I am here to help him for once."

Martha nodded. "Then help him but letting him help you. My son is used to taking care of everyone. It makes him feel good to know the people he loves are ok. The trick is to make him think your accepting help when you really not."

Beckett frowned at Martha. "I am not sure what you mean."

"Well," Martha said walking over to the large selection of wine. "I said I will help you with dinner and I am." Martha plucked a bottle of wine from the rack. "I just picked the wine."

Beckett smiled. It was sneaky but it would make both herself and Rick feel better.

"He will come around dear just give him time. He was such an emotional wreck that day in the hospital. I have only ever seen him that worked up once before. For 24 hours Meredith thought it would be a good idea for her to have custody of Alexis. The Alexis got a tunny ache because Meredith let her have too much candy and Meredith dropped the idea. Thankfully"

The thought even had Beckett hyperventilating.

"If you don't need help with something just ask Alexis or I to come and help. For Richards's sake we will make it look like we are doing the brunt of the work."

Beckett smiled. "Ok, thank you."

"Wow that looks great." Castle entered the kitchen and placed his arm around Beckett's shoulders before kissing her lightly on the head. "Thank you for going to all this trouble."

Beckett frowned. He had just scolded her for cooking now he was thanking her. Beckett smelled at rat. She looked up at Alexis and the young woman simply smiled at her. Oh she got it now. While Martha had been giving her the third degree it seemed as if Castle had been facing the same upstairs.

Beckett smiled up at him. "No trouble. Martha, Alexis could you serve this up. I just need to talk to Rick for a second."

Without waiting for a response Beckett walked out of the kitchen and headed for Castle's study. Once she was there she turned and saw that he had indeed followed her.

"Kate I am sorry, okay," Castle told her apologetically. The poor man looked far sadder than he really needed to be.

"No Rick, it's fine," Beckett then took a step forward and wrapped her arms around him.

"I know you are capable of doing things on your own. I just want to take care of you," he told her. Glad to have her in his arms.

"You are Rick," Beckett released him from the tight hug and pulled back to look at him. "It's just I am not used to being taken care of. I am used to having to do things on my own. It's something I need to adjust to, having you here for me on a day to day basis. I want to take care of you too. I have rediscovered me joy for cooking and I want to share that with you and your family."

Castle smiled down at her. "And we appreciate it. We really do. I just don't want you over doing it. That's all."

Beckett nodded at him. "I am not, I promise you. I just needed to relax today when I got back. Making Nonna's Lasange brought back happy memories of being in the kitchen with Nonna and my mother. I really needed that."

Castle sighed. "Things not go well today."

"They went ok. Ryan hid his feelings trying to pretend things were fine between us. Esposito didn't. I think a lot of his hurt was for Lanie though. Lanie is at the top of the list to give me a smack across the head. However they all are still willing to give me a chance at being there friend again. So that's good."

Castle nodded. "How did they take the news about us?"

"I didn't tell them."

Castle took a step back from the lose hold they had on each other. "Why not?"

"I didn't get a chance."

"Or you didn't want to tell them."

Beckett's eyes widened in horror. "No Rick. NO!" She took a step towards him bridging the distance. "Lanie was working so I thought I would go and see Ryan and Espo on their lunch break. We went to Remy's but Esposito was so worked up over the way I treated Lanie. I left during lunch to go and speak to her. Lanie had just finished with a body so I got to talk to her briefly but then she got a call and had to leave."

Castle nodded but Beckett wasn't convinced.

"Rick I want them to know about us, but maybe this is for the best. They were all so angry and I don't want them to find out like that. I want it to be a joyous occasion. Could we invite them here one night? A more intimate location where we can have privacy. Telling them at Remy's or in the morgue wasn't exactly the best idea."

Castle smiled at her. "Ok. Actually I wouldn't mind surprising them with this. No way is Esposito going to believe I actually got the girl, " he turned to exit the room but Beckett grabbed him by the back of the shirt.

"Wait."

Castle turned around surprised at Beckett's shirt tugging.

"What's wrong?"

Beckett sighed. "Lanie did have enough time to give me a scolding and tell me a few things about my shooting."

Castles eyes narrowed at her. "Like what?"

"About what she did for me."

Castle smiled. "She stayed with you for as long as she could. She gave you CPR."

Beckett took a deep breath. "I know. After she had Javi pull you from my dead body. She told me you were crying and followed the gurney the whole way."

Castle hung his head down. "I know it sounds silly but I thought if I let you out of my sight then you really would be gone."

Beckett got as close to him as possible before bending down slightly so she could get in Castle line of sight.

"It's not silly, Rick. You were worried about me. I can't believe you did that? Your devotion to me was..." Beckett couldn't finish. She straightened and turned away. Her chest was tightening and her breathing becoming laboured. He had cried while she lay dead in his arms. He had to be pulled from her lifeless body and then never left her side. Beckett couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

"Hey," she heard him call out moment before she was spun around and crushed to his chest. "It's ok. It's over now."

Beckett clutched at his shirt. "I am so sorry."

"None of this is your fault."

She sniffed a few times and tried to wipe her tears on his shirt. "You were there for me, stuck by me and I turned my back on you."

Castle didn't respond just continued to hold her tightly. Beckett clutched at him hoping to prolong the contact. She needed to feel him. Need to know that he was real and alive. To pass her love for him on through contact.

"I am so sorry, Rick. I shouldn't have left"

"It's ok. You're here now. That's what's important to me." Castle gave her back a reassuring stroke before he pulled back. "It's going to be ok."

Disappointed at being out of his embrace Beckett nodded.

"I am sorry it's just it just suddenly hit me. When Lanie told me I was shocked. But just thinking about it and seeing you." Beckett laughed. "See Castle, this is when I need your help. I am an emotional wreck. I need you to hold me and tell me everything will be ok, not help me with laundry."

Castle looked at her shocked. "You were doing laundry."

Beckett smiled and lightly slapped him on the chest.

"Rick!"

Castle sighed. "Ok. Ok. I'll try to be a little bit more understanding of you needing to do things on your own."

"I ask you for help in the shower. My hair will need to be washed again tonight."

"Okay," he told her looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Shouldn't me asking you to help with a personal issue give me more points than asking for help with laundry."

Castle smiled at her. "Yeah. I am glad you are comfortable having me in there with you."

"Are you two nearly done in there, this food is getting cold and Alexis and I can't help ourselves from stealing bites." A voice yelled from the other room.

Castle smiled at Beckett. "We better go before they eat it all."

Beckett nodded as she swiped at her face trying to clear herself up.

"Just a minute," she yelled out to them. She grabbed one of Castle's hands and held it tight. "I want you to know that me getting shot wasn't your fault."

Castle opened his mouth but no words came out.

"Lanie said Josh blamed you and the two of you got into a bit of a scuffle." She took their joined hands and placed them to her chest. "This isn't your fault ok."

Castle shook his head. "But if I hadn't looked into your mothers case."

"No Rick," she told him sternly for the second time in just a few minutes. "Do you remember what I told you back at the cabin? You believed me. You believed there was something worth looking into with my mother's case. I was so angry at first. You disobeyed me but a big part of that was annoyance, at myself. You did something that I couldn't, you found a link. I am a cop, a detective and yet you were able to find new leads on my mother's case. That's something I will never be able to pay you back for. You gave me answers Rick, that's all you did. You didn't get me shot. I wouldn't be here right now if I thought that."

He seemed to think over her words before he nodded.

"You know you don't owe me right."

Beckett smiled. "And you know that you have no reason for feeling guilty."

"Richard"

Both Beckett and Castle started laughing.

"We better get in there," Castle told her. "We ok now."

Beckett grabbed his hand and tugged him out of his office. "We are fantastic."

_**Author's Note: Hey so what did you think? **_


	11. Chapter 11

_A is for Always_

_By_

_Natalie Elizabeth_

_Chapter 11_

"So do we say anything to Castle?" Ryan questioned his partner as they walked down the corridor.

"About what?"

"About Beckett, that's what." Detective Kevin Ryan shook his head as he clutched his fiancé's hand.

"Kevin says I have the biggest mouth in the south," Jenny informed them. "I don't want to put my foot in it."

"Did Kate mention Castle to you guys?" Lanie questioned the two men as they stopped in front of Castle's door.

"No," Esposito told her.

"Not that you gave her any time to speak." Ryan had been quite surprised at Esposito's attack on Beckett.

"Hey, I was just protecting my woman."

Lanie ran a hand down her boyfriend's arm. "And I appreciate that you were looking out for me Javi, but Kate was trying to make amends. We talked about this."

Esposito shrugged as he hung his head down. "I know she is. If we have learned anything from this whole experience is that life's too short to dwell on the little things. It's also too short to put up with garbage from people. She apologized to us but what about Castle?"

"He sounded happy on the phone when he invited us," Lanie told her distraught boyfriend.

Ryan nodded. "With me, too."

"So maybe Kate has spoken with him," Jenny added.

The rest of the gang just shrugged.

"Look," Lanie addressed the three people before her, "Kate is obviously dealing with some things at the moment. If Castle asks if we have seen her we should tell him the truth. If he doesn't ask, keep our mouths shut."

The group nodded at her so she turned and knocked at the door. Hearing the sounds of someone walking towards the door was a good sign. She had been quite worried about Castle. He always seemed despondent when she had called to give him information about Kate. His cheery demeanour on the phone the day before had been a shock. She had quickly rearranged her work schedule to be here tonight. Castle had simply said he wanted to get the group together for pizza. It was better than the 'I'm fine, Lanie' speech she had been getting.

When the door swung open Lanie's jaw dropped.

"Hi guys, glad you could come. Please come in."

The two detectives and the ME stood frozen gazing at the woman before them. Finally Jenny took the initiative.

"Hi, Kate. It's good to see you looking well." Jenny crossed the threshold into Castle's loft and was immediately engulfed into a hug.

"Hello, Jenny. Thank you. I am not 100% yet but I am getting there." Beckett turned to look at her friends still standing in the hall. "Guys are you going to come in? Castle is just getting ready."

"Kevin," Jenny said loudly, breaking the man out of his stupor.

"Hi, Beckett." Ryan walked into the room and gave his boss a quick hug. They weren't really huggers but it was really good to see her and she didn't seem to object.

"Hi, Ryan. Is everything ok?" Beckett asked, giving him a tight hug before releasing him.

"Yeah. We are just surprised to see you here. We didn't realise you had spoken to Castle, too."

Beckett bit her lip. "Actually he was the first person I spoke to."

"Oh," Esposito said finally speaking and coming into the room.

"Javi has been going overboard with the big brother act." Lanie followed her boyfriend into the loft. She loved him. She really did, but his over protective side could get a bit much. "Hi Kate, good to see you."

"You too, Lanie. Please come in and sit down. Hopefully Rick will be out in a sec. Lanie, Jenny there is white wine and glasses already on the table near the couch. Can I get you guys a beer?"

Ryan and Esposito shared a confused look. Why was Beckett offering to serve them?

"Yeah, that sounds great," Ryan offered up only after Jenny elbowed them.

Beckett closed the door behind her friends and went off into the kitchen to grab drinks for the guys. Although Beckett had discussed with Rick about telling their friends about their relationship, they hadn't gone into details on the how. Grabbing the beers out of the fridge, she wished Rick would hurry up. He had helped her wash her hair in the shower before stepping out and having his own. Apparently his hair was acting stupid today and he had been attacking it with his brush the last time she had looked in on him. Beckett handed the beers over to her friends.

"Here you go."

"Thanks, Beckett." Ryan grabbed his beer and took a long sip.

"Where's Castle?" Esposito wondered as he grabbed his own beer from Beckett.

"In his room, doing his hair." Beckett rolled her eyes but smiled at Castle's ways. "Castle, the guys are here!" she yelled in the direction of his room.

"Did she just smile after rolling her eyes?" Esposito whispered to Ryan.

Kate gave Esposito a pointed stare, trying not to laugh at the way the four of them looked like children being forced to visit their scary aunt.

"Are you guys hungry?" Beckett asked, choosing to ignore Esposito's question to Ryan. "Castle wants to try out this new pizza place that's just opened up around the corner. They don't deliver so he will have to go and get them, but I made some snacks if you are interested."

The two couples nodded at Becket before turning to look at each other with confused expressions. Beckett returned moments later with two laden filled platters of food.

"Hey guys glad you could... Kate what do you think you're doing?" Castle raced over to her.

Beckett sighed. "Feeding our guests."

Castle practically tore one of the platters out of her hand and placed it on the table. "Couldn't you have taken them one at a time? Or asked me or one of the guys to help you?"

Beckett placed the other platter that was still in her hand on the table. "Rick, its fine. The laundry I did yesterday weighed more than the platters."

Castle's eyes widened in shock. "You did laundry? You are supposed to be taking it easy."

Beckett put her hands on her hips. "I am taking it easy."

Castle took a step towards her. "Not if you doing laundry."

"We had a deal, Castle. I stay here but only if you let me breathe."

"Well, you won't be breathing if you over do it and hurt yourself again."

"It's just laundry."

"Well, if it's just laundry someone else can do it."

"Rick."

"Kate."

"Umm, hello? Confused people here," Lanie interrupted the squabbling pair.

Beckett and Castle looked at each other before both sighing in defeat.

"I am sorry, Rick. I should have taken them one at a time."

Castle shook his head. "No, no Kate they weren't that heavy. I promised to stop coddling you."

Beckett nodded. "But I promised that I would ask for help."

"Yo. Mom and Dad. You want to fill us in on what's going on here?" Esposito questioned their friends.

Beckett and Castle turned to look at the people sitting on the couch and smiled. Beckett looked up at Castle, raised her brows at him and shrugged. Castle placed his arm around her shoulders and squeezed it tight.

"Umm guys, we have something to tell you," Castle started.

Lanie's mouth dropped open for the second time that night at the sight of Castle's arm around Beckett.

"Rick and I are together," Beckett finished.

The four people on the couch stayed silent.

Beckett nervously looked up at Castle. "I thought they would be happy about this."

Castle looked down at her and rubbed her arm. "I think it's just a shock that's all." He then kissed her lightly on the head.

Ryan gasped. "I think they're serious. No way would Beckett let Castle kiss her unless they really were together."

Castle and Beckett looked at each other and shared a secret smile. Well maybe, maybe not.

"Girl, is this the good news you wanted to tell me?" Lanie asked as she stood up and walked towards Beckett.

Beckett nodded moments before she was pulled out of Castle's embrace and into Lanie's.

"I am so happy for you both."

"Hey Lanie," Castle practically yelled tapping her on the arm. "Take it easy."

"It's fine, Rick" Beckett told him.

"Yeah, Castle." Lanie let go and pulled him into a quick hug. "This is nothing compared to what we were doing the other day."

Castle's eyes widened, causing both Lanie and Kate to laugh.

"She is kidding, Rick. And even if she wasn't I was fine the other day just like I am today."

Castle nodded at Beckett. "Ok, I know I need to calm down. I'm just worried, that's all."

Beckett reached out and grabbed his hand. She gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"I know."

Lanie looked over the happy couple. She had suppressed the urge to say finally, even though it was what everyone in the room was thinking. At least she thought they were. Ryan and Javi were doing an impression of wide mouth bass. Jenny, however, seemed to be grinning; Ryan had probably told her about the weird relationship between Beckett and Castle. Lanie wished now she hadn't been called away to work because she wanted some serious girl talk with Kate.

"I'm hungry," Lanie announced suddenly. "Kate did you say Castle was going to go and get pizza? Ryan and Javi why don't you go with him to help carry them?"

Beckett nodded at Lanie's suggestion. "That sounds good."

Esposito stood up. "Sure, we will help. Right, Ryan?"

Ryan looked from Beckett and Castle holding hands to his partner.

"Umm, yeah."

Ryan gave his fiancé a kiss on the cheek before standing and walking towards the door. Javi and Castle followed suit and kissed their partners before following Ryan out the door. As soon as Castle shut the door he immediately held his hands up in surrender.

"Ok guys, you don't have to give me the 'you hurt her we will kill you' speech. I know and I would never hurt her."

Ryan and Esposito simply shrugged at him and started walking down the hallway.

"You don't have to worry about us Castle," Ryan told him.

"Yeah," Esposito agreed. "I'd be more worried about what Beckett is telling Lanie."

Castle looked back at his door before chasing after Ryan and Esposito.

"What do you mean, what Beckett is telling Lanie?"

Esposito turned and smiled at him. "Well, let's just say you better hope Little Rick is as big as what you make him out to be. Otherwise you won't have to worry about us killing you. You will die of embarrassment when Lanie wets herself laughing when you walk in the door."

Castle looked down at his groin then back up at Ryan and Esposito.

"Don't worry, Castle," Ryan said laughing. "I am sure Beckett won't talk."

Castle nodded. Ryan was right. Kate was a very personal person.

"Much," Ryan added to Castle horror.

As soon as the door closed Lanie practically pounced on Beckett.

"So spill girl, I want all the details,"

"What details, Lanie?" Beckett asked coyly.

Lanie's eyes narrowed. "Don't toy with me, girl. You and Castle. How long, how did it happen and how is the sex?

"How long?" Beckett gaped at her friend.

"How long have you two been together? Kate Beckett, since when is your mind in the gutter? I can see Castle has been a good influence on you. Now spill; I want all the details."

Beckett looked at the two eager women.

"Not long at all. Just a few days."

"Can I ask how you two got together?" Jenny asked. "Kevin has been telling me all about the two of you for so long. I am a soap opera junkie. Hearing the two of you are together is like hearing my favourite couple finally tied the knot."

"Soap opera." Lanie rolled her eyes. "That's definitely one way to describe their relationship. I just hope some evil twin doesn't return from the dead to screw this up."

Beckett laughed. "Nope, no evil twin."

"So spill." Lanie was getting quite frustrated at how long it was taking to hear how Kate Beckett finally succumbed.

"If your uncomfortable with me being here I could go," Jenny looked around the loft, "somewhere else."

Beckett shook her head. "No Jenny, it's fine. It's about time us girls spent some time together. We spend so much time with your future husband, it's about time you knew some more about us. Not just second hand information from Ryan."

Jenny smiled. "Ok, if you're sure."

Beckett nodded. So Lanie wanted details. Where did she even begin?

"Well Lanie you definitely helped this happen."

Lanie frowned. "I did?"

Beckett smiled. "Yeah. You were a good friend. Those calls to my father made him realize I was at the cabin hiding from everyone and he wasn't going to stand for it. He came here to the loft and spoke to Rick. Told Rick to fight for me and how to find me."

"You mean all we had to do was tell on you to your father?"

Beckett laughed. That's pretty much how it had gone down.

"Yes and no. Rick came to the cabin. There was talking, yelling and crying."

"Wait," Lanie interrupted. "Castle cried?"

Beckett shook her head. "No, I did. Rick made me realise that being too scared to take a chance meant I was missing my chance at something wonderful."

"That's so sweet," Jenny sighed.

"So Castle swept you off your feet, did he?" Lanie pondered.

Beckett bit her lip at the memory of Castle picking her up off the floor. It wasn't the most romantic situation, but the care he had taken still filled her heart with love.

"Yes, in a matter of speaking."

"So have you two broken the bed yet? Three years of tension. I am surprised the two of you have time to see us."

Jenny laughed but there was no happiness in Beckett's eyes. Beckett turned and filled her glass with wine and drank deeply.

"Kate. What's wrong?"

Beckett allowed the full taste of the wine to hit her before she took a deep breath. She couldn't even face Lanie to tell her this.

"Rick won't sleep with me."

"What?" Lanie asked, confused.

"He won't sleep with me," Beckett said again, this time sitting on the coffee table across from the two women. "And I just don't mean sex. I mean sleep, too. He has asked me to stay here until I am better both physically and mentally, but I am sleeping in the guest room and it is driving me crazy. We kiss, a little touching, but that's it. Alexis is probably getting more action than I am."

Beckett watched as Lanie and Jenny exchanged confused looks.

"Did Rick give you a reason?" Jenny asked, confused. She knew it wasn't really her place to speak up but Kate obviously seemed distressed.

Beckett stared at her glass. "That first day in the cabin he said he didn't want to just jump into bed. I had just told him I wanted to be in a relationship with him and we kissed. I was going to let it go further than that but he said we needed to talk. He was right, we did need to. I was ok with holding off on sex for the moment but then he wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me. It's still hard for me to wash my hair; it pulls if I raise my arms. I asked him to help and he got in the shower with his underpants on. He said it was so I wasn't uncomfortable but if I was, I wouldn't have asked him to help me."

"Oh Kate, I am sorry." Lanie got off the couch and knelt in front of her friend.

"I am worried the novelty is over Lanie."

Lanie stroked Kate's leg trying to comfort her friend.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kate. Castle cares about you."

"Yeah, but Lanie, the chase is over. What if now that he has caught me, he doesn't want me?"

Lanie took the glass out of Beckett's hand. "You have obviously had too much of this because you are talking crazy. Castle isn't like that and you know it."

"There has to be another reason, Kate." Jenny got off the couch and joined Beckett on the coffee table. "Maybe he is just waiting for the right time."

"Or maybe he is disgusted with the idea of looking at my scar."

"What are you talking about?" Lanie wasn't used to her friend being so insecure.

"When we are having a shower he won't look at me. He turns me around and washes my hair. I think he is disgusted by it. He can't bear to sleep with me because that will lead to sex and that will lead to him seeing my scar. Seriously, it's not exactly a site that makes one horny."

Lanie pulled Beckett into an awkward hug. "I am sure that's not it, Kate. You know Castle, he likes to do everything over the top. He probably wants to make it memorable."

Beckett shrugged in her friend's grasp.

"Come on," Lanie sat patting her knee slightly. "Get up. While the guys are gone I want to check out this wound. It must be something big and horrible if you think Castle won't sleep with you because of it."

Beckett sighed. "But Lanie you deal with dead people."

Lanie nodded. "And I want to give you the all clear that you're not dead."

Beckett sighed. When she had the brief talk with Lanie in the morgue she had expressed deep concern for her. Letting Lanie look at her body would appease her just as staying at the loft was helping Castle.

"Ok."

* * *

Lanie looked over at her boyfriend and scowled. Since when was he Mr. Chatty? She shouldn't be angry at him, though. He had been down in the dumps since Castle and Beckett hadn't been at the precinct. It was good to see him happy again but she really needed to get Castle alone.

"Are you ok, Lanie?"

Lanie turned to see Jenny refilling her wine glass. Dinner was over and Beckett was now making dessert while the men chatted away.

Lanie shrugged at the woman who she had barely spent any time with but was starting to like immensely. "I want to get Castle alone so I can talk to him about Kate."

"Do you really think you should?"

Lanie nodded. "Oh yeah. It took them this long to get together. I don't want them to break up over something trivial. He needs to know how Kate is feeling. I just need to get him alone."

Jenny bit her lip and looked over at Castle and then Beckett. "Ok, I'll help."

Lanie stood there, shocked, as she watched Jenny approach the men. What was she up to?

"Excuse me, guys. I don't mean to interrupt but I was wondering, Rick, if I could borrow a jacket."

Lanie smiled. Ryan's fiancée really was going to make a great addition to the group.

"Oh I am sorry, Jenny, I'll turn down the air con."

Jenny shook her head. "Oh no it's fine. I am one of those crazy people who loves having the air on really cold, while snuggling into a jacket. Would it be too much trouble to borrow a jacket or a sweat shirt?"

Castle nodded at her. "Sure, I'll just get you one."

Lanie's eyes followed Castle as he entered his room. Turning back to look at Jenny she saw the woman wink at her before engaging Ryan and Esposito in conversation. Beckett was still in the kitchen whipping up some dessert her mother used to make, so Lanie quickly slipped away after Castle. She wasn't as quiet as she hoped as Castle turned around as soon as she entered his room.

"Oh hey Lanie. Are you cold, too? Maybe I should turn down the air con."

Lanie shook her head. "No Castle, I am fine. What I want to know is, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Castle froze for a second. "Look Lanie, I know Little Rick probably isn't as big as what I bragged about."

Lanie rose a brow at him. "Excuse me?"

Castle gulped. "Isn't that what Kate told you when you ladies had your girl talk?"

"The only think Kate told me about Little Rick is that it's been nowhere near her. You won't even sleep in the same bed with her let along actually have sex with her. What is wrong with you, Rick? Are you impotent?"

Castle gawked at the ME. "Hell, no! Why would even think that?"

Lanie shrugged. "Well it's a better explanation than what Kate has for why the two of you haven't got your freak on yet."

Castle eyes narrowed. Kate had told Lanie they weren't sleeping together and she had a theory about why.

"What did Kate tell you?"

Lanie put her hands on her hips and sauntered over to Castle until they were about a foot apart.

"She's has got it into her head that the thought of looking at her scar is repulsive."

"What?" Castle asked, shocked. "That's ridiculous."

Lanie shrugged. "Well, it's better than her theory that now that the chase is over you don't want her anymore."

Castle's eyes widened before he covered his face with his hands.

"Oh Lanie, I am messing this up aren't I?" Castle lowered his hands slightly so they were cupping his mouth and nose and started breathing deeply.

"Castle, are you hyperventilating?"

Lanie led Castle to his bed and urged him to sit down. Castle removed his hands from his face and raked them through his hair. He looked at Lanie with pain in his eyes.

"I didn't want to hurt her, Lanie. I was trying to avoid hurting her. Yet I ended up doing that anyway."

Lanie frowned. "I don't understand, Castle. How is not sleeping with Kate not hurting her?"

Castle shrugged. "Look at me, Lanie. I am a big oaf. And Kate. Kate is this small delicate flower. I am worried that I will crush her in the middle of the night. She is still healing and I don't want to make it worse."

Lanie shook her head at him. "Uh uh. Not buying it, Castle. When was the last time you rolled over in bed and squashed your partner?"

"There is a first time for everything."

"Come on, Castle; be straight with me. Why don't you want to share a bed with Kate?"

"It's the truth, Lanie. I am worried I would roll over on her. Or accidently kick her or fling my arm out and hit her in the chest. I am also worried it would be too tempting," he finally told her.

"Tempting? So you do want to have sex with her?"

Castle stood up. "Of course I do. You have no idea how much I do; that's the problem."

"Ok Castle, I am not used to you beating around the bush. Spit it out already."

Castle looked over at his friend. He didn't really have anyone else he could talk to about this. Lanie wasn't the most comfortable person to talk to about this either but she was concerned about Kate.

"What if I go off like a rocket?"

Lanie laughed. "You're worried about premature…"

"No," Castle interrupted the ME before she could finish. "I just want to be with her so bad. I have never been so clean in my life. I've been taking that many cold showers to quell my desire for her."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I am worried I'll hurt her. I am a passionate person, Lanie, and that transfers into the bedroom. I am worried that I will be so caught up in the moment that I will get reckless and she will suffer for it."

Lanie gawked at him. "You worried that you're so horny that you will get rough with her."

"I wouldn't mean to but…"

"No buts, Castle. I know you. Kate knows you. We know you would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. Sex can be rough and passionate but it also can be gentle and passionate. Do you honestly think you wouldn't treat her with the upmost care? Castle, you love her. And she loves you. Stop this nonsense."

Castle sighed. "I just wanted her to know that this relationship wasn't just about sex for me. I really care about her."

"Then show her," Lanie told him, frustrated.

Castle watched as Lanie left the room. He had expected to get the third degree from his friends about Kate. He never thought it would be them telling him to have sex with Kate. Castle ran his hands through his hair before finally flopping down on his bed.

He was trying to be sensitive to Kate's needs and all he ended up doing was making her insecure. Her scar. Kate thought the reason he didn't want to sleep with her was because of her scar. When he had first seen the scar he had been shocked. Then he had taken in her creamy white skin, her beautiful curves.

Castle sat up quickly. No, he wasn't going there. Not with Ryan and Esposito just a few feet away. It wouldn't look good for him to walk out of his room with a tent in his pants. He couldn't help it though; whenever he thought about Kate it just happened. It was like he was thirteen again and had a crush on his English teacher that always wore the low cut tops.

Keeping Kate in the spare room was meant to be his way of not pressuring her. All it had done was make her feel as if he no longer wanted her. How had he messed it up so badly?

"Rick. Is everything ok? You have been gone for a while."

Castle looked up at Kate, who had just she entered his room.

"Yes Kate. I was just getting Jenny a jacket."

"I'll get her one," she told him. "In a second."

Kate walked over to him smiling as she wrapped her arms around his waist and tugged him close.

"I've missed you."

Castle grabbed her by the hips and pulled her away slightly. He didn't want her to feel the surprise in his pants. Her eyes immediately filled with pain. Why hadn't he noticed that before?

"I don't want Ryan and Esposito to walk in on us."

Kate nodded as she walked off into his closet to get Jenny a jacket. "Okay,"

But Castle could tell it wasn't ok. He had hurt her. He was continuing to hurt her and that was the last thing he wanted to do. When their guests left he would fix it. Or at least he would try.

* * *

Author Note: Hey everyone so i am looking for a few betas to go over past and future work. Check out my profile for more details on what it requires before PM-ing me. Thanks


	12. Chapter 12

A is for Always

By

Natalie Elizabeth

Chapter 12

Castle shut the door after bidding farewell to their friends. Catching up with everyone had been great. Jenny was a riot and a perfect match for Ryan. The give and take between Lanie and Esposito had been a welcomed sight. And then there was Kate. She was amazing. The snacks and deserts she had made for all of them had been incredible. He was actually enjoying this surprising side of her. Although he wished she would take it easy with the cooking. There were going to be plenty of other times in the future in which she could cook for him. Well, there would be as long as he fixed this mess he had gotten himself into.

He never would have thought of Kate Beckett as a person to be insecure about herself. It just showed him that he still had a lot to learn about the extraordinary woman. It also proved he had a lot to learn about himself. His own fears were making Kate doubt his love and devotion to her.

"It's been a long day, Rick. I think I might head up to bed."

Rick nodded. Normally he had to argue with Kate to go to bed at a decent hour. He was glad she was taking care of herself the way he wanted her to.

"Did your mother text you?" Kate asked him.

Rick pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on.

"No. I just got one from Alexis saying she was coming home tomorrow morning instead of lunch time. Her friend forgot she had to go see the dentist. Why?"

"Martha sent me a text saying she would be home eventually and not to worry."

Rick laughed. "Which is exactly the reason why I worry."

Kate shook her head. "I am sure she will be fine. Goodnight."

Rick watched as Kate gave him a wave before heading up the stairs. She didn't even try and give him a kiss. Every night so far they had ended the evening with a kiss. Kate had tried for more but he had come up with a different excuse every time. Or simply just stopped. Tonight she didn't even try. Had she given up on him already?

Rick walked off into his room to change. He smelled like pizza which was not going to be conclusive to a good night's sleep. Anchovies taunting him in his dreams was something he didn't want a repeat of. Stripping off his clothes he brushed his teeth before changing into his boxers and t shirt. Waking up with garlic breath was lethal even if you were sleeping alone. Walking back into his empty room Castle looked at his bed. His big, lonely bed. At that very moment Kate was probably getting into her big lonely bed, too. The guest room bed wasn't as big as his own but it was large enough for two people. Which begged the question: Why weren't there two people in it?

Walking out of his room Rick walked through the dimly lit loft before making his way up the stairs. He passed his mother's and daughter's rooms before stopping in front of Kate's. The door was open slightly and the room looked dark. Without knocking he gently pushed the door open just enough to slip in. The light in the hall sent a beam of light into the room allowing Rick to see. Thankfully the bed was against the right wall and the light shine on it. She was lying on her right side with her back towards him. The wide expanse of empty bed behind her was all the invitation he needed.

Walking over to the bed, he softly pulled back the covers and slid between them trying not to disturb her. He inched over slightly in the bed and spooned up behind her. As much as he wanted to wrap his arm around her waist he still wanted to take things slow. He wasn't sure if she was asleep or not. Climbing into bed with her was a big risk. Even though she was injured, she was still a cop and could do some damage if she was startled.

"Did you have a nightmare? You have barely had time to fall asleep."

Rick smiled. She was awake and not kicking him out of the bed or anywhere else.

"No, just had a bit of a day mare, though," he told her.

He shuffled back when he noticed her trying to roll over onto her back.

"What happened?"

"I've been stupid."

Kate laughed. "What else is new?"

Rick pulled himself up slightly and rested his head on his hand.

"I've been stupid towards you."

Kate looked up at him from her position. "Rick, if this is about the laundry I really am sorry. I know I should be grateful that a man is offering to wash my clothes but I got bored. My doctor says its fine for me to be lifting the basket as long as it isn't too heavy. Lanie examined me tonight and said I was healing well."

Rick shook his head. "This is not about the laundry but while we are on the subject we have someone who does that for us. I am sorry for being so over protective Kate but I nearly lost you once I can't lose you again."

"You're not going to lose me, Rick."

"I will if I keep pushing you away."

In the dim light that filtered in from the hall Rick could see Kate frown at him.

"What are you talking about?"

Rick reached over and began to unbutton the top she was wearing. It was actually one of his shirts. She had been having trouble putting her shirts on so he had loaned her a few of his softer button-up ones.

"Rick what you are doing?" Her voice was light and slightly breathless.

He stopped what he was doing. Maybe he was overstepping here.

"I want to see your scar."

Her hands came up and stopped his.

"Lanie talked to you."

Rick closed his eyes and grimaced. Maybe if he had waited a day or two she wouldn't have made the connection. The thing was, he couldn't live another day having her think he didn't want her.

"I am not doing this because Lanie told me to. I am doing this because you need to know how I really feel."

He opened his eyes when he felt her hands loosen on his. Undoing the last of the buttons Rick separated the shirt to reveal her beautiful body. His eyes roamed over her body, lingering on the puckered skin. He leaned forward and gently kissed the area. He felt her shiver under his touch.

"Rick please don't," Kate tried to pull the shirt over the scar. "My scar is disgusting," she told him as she began to button her shirt.

He sighed but let her go. If she wanted to cover herself then he would let her for now. He hoped that his insecurities hadn't permanently affected her. Rick lifted his hand to her face and lightly stroked it.

"I won't lie to you Kate; the scar isn't beautiful. No scars are. They are a sign of damage we have received to our bodies and the healing we have done. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of surviving."

Kate bit her lip. "You don't find it repulsive?"

"No."

"So why wouldn't you look at me in the shower?"

Rick rolled onto his back and covered his face.

"I told you I was stupid. I didn't want to hurt you and was worried if I had to look at you I would succumb to my urges."

Rick felt a hand run down his chest. He lifted his hands from his face and looked at Kate. She had gone from timid kitten to saucy wild cat.

"And what urges are we talking about?"

"To throw you up against the shower wall and make hard fast love to you."

Kate bit her lip. "Really?"

Rick nodded. "Yep. But you're not ready for that."

Kate sighed. "No, probably not. I can tell you my injuries would have been the last thing on my mind if you had started something. If I got hurt it would have been my fault, not yours. I am not even smart enough to take it easy while doing laundry. Rough sex up against a wall. My mind would have been on that and that only."

"That's pretty much my thinking, too."

"Well, I am glad one of us was smart enough to avoid that situation."

Rick rolled back onto his side and faced Kate.

"Yeah, but at your expense," he told her.

Kate sighed. "I understood about not wanting to sleep together while we were at the cabin. We really did need to talk and I am glad we did. Then you wore your underpants in the shower and wouldn't even share a bed with me. My mind started spinning crazy Richard Castle theories."

"Hey," he warned. "I would never have a theory where I didn't want to sleep with you."

Kate smiled. "Yeah, I guess that was a pretty stupid theory."

"The underpants really were to make you feel comfortable. We went from me walking away forever to naked in the shower a few hours later. That, and it hid my reaction to you."

Kate laughed. "It didn't hide much, Rick."

Rick groaned. "See, so if you knew my reaction why would you think I didn't want you?"

She shrugged at him. "Because this is the longest we have shared a bed."

Rick closed his eyes and shook his head.

"I was worried I would roll over in the middle of the night and squash you."

Kate laughed. "That's ridiculous. Even if you did roll over, I'd just whack you."

"Yeah, but what if I hurt you?"

"It would have been an accident," she told him. "Rick, I hurt myself all the time by accident."

Rick sighed, "I know, I know. I just wanted to prevent as much pain as I could. I went about it the wrong way, though. Which is why I'm stupid."

Kate snuggled into chest. "Yeah, but your my stupid boyfriend."

Rick laughed and wrapped his arm around her.

"You know I will never get tired of hearing you call me that."

"What? Stupid?"

Rick laughed. " Ha ha. Very funny, Kate. So you know I do want to make love to you, right? I just want it to be special and memorable for all the right reasons, not because you ended up in a hospital."

As carefully as she could, Kate sat up. Rick went to rise to but she placed a hand to his chest. Kate looked down at her boyfriend.

"Rick, when we finally make love it will be memorable because it will be the first time we make love. It doesn't always have to be about candlelight and strawberries and champagne. Sometimes it will be earth shattering and other times it will be stress relieving. The point is, no matter how when or why it will always be special. It will be special because it will always be about the love we have for each other."

Rick looked up at his amazing girlfriend and gulped. He had been thinking the same thing, that sex with Kate couldn't be anything else than an exchange of love. She was right about the trappings of love making. Some woman needed them-romantic weekends away, sexy lingerie, wine. Not Kate. Not that he thought she wouldn't like or appreciate them; she would. Kate understood love was more than that. It was about two people sharing all of themselves with each other. Nothing else mattered.

"You're right. It will be special. It will be special because we have mutual love and respect for each other. I need to respect you and you belief that you can take care of yourself. I asked you to stay until you were physically and mentally capable of looking after yourself. Although I didn't really ask you; I made you stay because of me. Of my own concerns and fears."

Kate frowned. "Rick, what are you talking about?"

This time Rick sat up and Kate didn't stop him.

"What I am saying is that I love having you here but I won't fight you when you decide to leave."

Kate bit her lip. "So if I decided to go back to my apartment tomorrow you'd be ok with that."

Rick sighed. "No, but that's my issue, not yours."

Kate leaned down and pecked him on the lips. "Then maybe I'll stay a few more days."

Rick couldn't help the grin that broke out on his face. "Really?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah. Do you know how many women would love the idea of sitting back and being pampered by the man of their dreams?"

Rick wiggled his eye brows. "Man of your dreams, huh?"

Kate slapped his chest. "Not if we don't get some sleep."

Kate snuggled back down into the bed and turned onto her side. Rick frowned as he copied her actions. He wasn't sure what to think about her turning her back on him until she reached back and grabbed his arm. She pulled it over her body and snuggled back into him.

"You want to sleep," he whispered into her ear.

"Mmhhm," Kate responded. "Conserve your energy tonight, Rick. As much as I want to be with you, I'd always think the reason we did it was because Lanie spoke to you."

Rick chuckled. "Lanie didn't tell me to. She just explained how my actions were affecting you. I can guarantee you I wouldn't be thinking of Lanie, but I understand. This has to be about us, when we are both ready."

Kate nodded."Now that I know how you feel and reasons behind it I don't mind waiting. I know it will be worth it."

"You won't be waiting long, I promise you."

Kate shook her head. "Sleep Rick."

"Ok."

Rick made himself comfortable in the bed, tightening his grip around Kate's waist. As much as he wanted to make love to her, having her in his arms was pretty special, too. Things were getting better for both of them. It had been hard for him to say he was ok with her going back home. The truth was, he wanted her around all the time. Yet he understood she needed to find her own footing in the world. She wouldn't be leaving tomorrow but she would leave some time soon. It didn't mean he couldn't go and stay with her. Or at least stay over a night or two. Just because she was leaving it didn't mean she wouldn't return.

Baby steps.

Their relationship was new and even though they had known each other for years they still had a long way to go. He didn't doubt that arguments would be in the future. They were both passionate, stubborn people. It would be the way in which they dealt with the issues that would make or break them. Communication was the key. They had already established that a lack of communication on both their parts had caused problems. If they could both learn to be open and honest with each other then there wasn't any issue they couldn't deal with. Their love for each other would only continue to grow and they would be together.

Always.

The End

* * *

Authors Note:

And that's all folks.

Ok so I know some of you may be disappointed that you didn't get a sex scene. It wasn't until I started writing the scene that I decided not to have one. As LittleLizzieZentara/ my friend/ Beta/ The person who listens to be jabber on for hours and horus on Skype, told me. The reason I wanted to write this story was to focus on things we didn't see in the show. To fix things in the show that really bothered me. IE that Castle would simply let another woman in his life "run away" from him. So I think I achieved that. Well I hoped I did anyway.

So I hope you enjoyed. I hoped I "fixed" things. Please review to let me know anyway.

Big thank you to all the readers, an even bigger to those who left a review. No matter how small I appreciate the feedback.

Thank you to LittleLizzieZentara for being the Beta on this story, when she really didn't have the time. She is working on a few projects at the moment and I'll let you in on secret. Her work is fantastic. Check out 'Just a Christmas Kiss' and a collaboration piece with Celeste J. Evans and SheWhoTangles titled 'Armed & Dangerous'. You won't regret it.

Also I am still looking for numerous people to Beta different pieces of my work. So if you are interested check out my profile page for conditions and send me a PM. I have some old work you can edit if you want to improve your editing skills but don't want to be on a strict time schedule. I also have some new work too.

I hope to be uploading the new work soon. So click on author alert to read more from me. Or check out some of my older work.

Thanks. You have no idea how much joy you strangers bring into my life.

Until tomorrow


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